Monday, 15 December 2014

Change Your Own Game

The last four months have been a game changer for me. They have been genuinely fantastic.
As somebody who spent a year being so unhappy, I can't tell you how important it is to make yourself happy. If you don't like the way that something is, change it and you will feel like a weight has been lifted. I have learnt that taking control of my own life is what leads to happiness and that way, you will learn to not only value yourself but also that it is the only way forward. Once you get a taste of it, you won't put up with anything toxic again and that is the way that it should be. Create the life that you want and make it so good that it keeps you awake at night, because you're too damn happy to sleep.

I have surrounded myself with people that only lift me up and as a single pringle, I am enjoying it. Sure I get days when it gets me a bit down and I know how nice it would be to have somebody, but I have come to realise that I don't need anybody to complete me. I complete me. Somebody should make you better. You shouldn't become reliant on somebody to complete you because you are all you need, you are completed, somebody else is just there to make things that bit better.

I'm enjoying being by myself and when the time is right, somebody will come along. You can't force love, love happens on its own and when *huge cliche coming up* you least expect it (it sounds stupid, but that's really how it works). All of the good relationships happen organically (whether that's friendship or romance) and if you have to force it, then it ain't right. When it's the right person they will text you back, they will make an effort to see you and most of all, you won't have to guess where you stand with them because you will know, so don't force anything and don't make yourself unhappy trying to find it, because it will find you. 

So for now, enjoy being by yourself and if you have somebody, then lucky you, congrats, nice one, keep going! But if you don't then just love yourself. That's not an easy ask and that takes time, but that too, will happen, so for the meantime, work on

loving yourself like you're not waiting for somebody else to do it


instead of looking for the light, become it instead.

It's Not Just Another One

It may just be Monday but it's not just another Monday. It's a day that has never been lived by you or by anybody else and it will be what you decide it will be. Possibilities and chances are waiting for you to take them and whether that is the chance of starting an essay a day earlier than you were planning or texting an old friend or trying a new sport or finding a new song that you love or relaxing in that bubble bath that you've been craving for the last week, it doesn't matter what it is and it doesn't matter how tiny it is, but you can take on this day like there's nothing stopping you. If you only do one little thing that makes today a bit different, nice one.

So if you've already done Monday or you're partly through it or you're just waking up to it, maybe it won't be so bad afterall.

Thursday, 9 October 2014


'You always hear about the broken heart but what about the one who broke it?'

Fall outs are a one sided thing. The person that got their heart broken last is seen as the victim; the one that apparently didn't see it coming and was helpless in the matter. But what about the person that had their heart broken first? Are they ignored because they are not as important? Although when you look closely, it's exactly the same thing but the other way around. We're the ones that spend months pretending that everything is fine, when in reality the person that we're looking at has already broken our heart. We are seen as the bad people because we choose to end the thing that is destroying us and yet, the fact that we have already had our heart broken is inconsequential. The person that hates us, months later, for breaking their heart, never has to endure the backlash of hatred, even though in reality, they are the ones that should suffer it too. Relationships are afterall, a two way thing and both are responsible for the things that happen.
What about the person that broke our heart first? What is so wrong with society that it ignores this and they become the victims, when we were so much longer before. It is seen as a selfish thing to put an end to the thing that is constantly hurting you when it is going to hurt somebody else, even though they hurt you first. I'm still hurting though. We all are.

I had 'The End Where I Begin' by The Script on repeat for weeks.

Thursday, 25 September 2014


I wrote that last post about a month ago but couldn't bear to post it incase something changed and my heart changed. It didn't. It caused me so much upset and it consumed my every thought for weeks because I knew that our relationship wasn't right. I didn't want to let her go (yes that's right, her) and I so desperately wanted it to work out, but I reached the point when I had to value myself. She wasn't making an effort to save anything and I understood that I deserved somebody who would never stop fighting. I reached a point where all of the stress and pain that I was experiencing wasn't worth it anymore; it was turning me into something else. To put it truthfully, it was fucking me up.

I could see that she had lost interest in me, in us and I stopped crying when I realised that she probably wasn't doing the same. I have changed so much in the past year and I didn't know what I would be without her and I thought I couldn't live without her. She was my best friend.

It's strange then, considering how happy I am now. I thought I couldn't live without her, but I can and I feel better for it. I feel so much stronger for the fact that I put a stop to something that was making me miserable and I can now move onto better things and different people. It showed me how much of myself I had invested in her and it would have been fantastic, had I seen that it maybe wasn't right.

I finished it, I let us both go. I knew that she would never utter the words, so I did it for both of us. Of course, I'm seen as the bad person now and who knows if she will speak to me again but I think we both knew that it had run its course. A course of a year, in which a lot of things had changed along with us. She really drifted away for the last month or two until I didn't even recognise her anymore and failed to pull through on our joint promises to try and change the things that weren't working (a fact which she will never admit to anybody) and I began to hate her for it. I became exposed to her empty promises and her double standards and her jealousy and the way that it was always focused on her, no matter of the situation. I hated her for the way that she watched me drown and collapse under her weight that became toxic, because she had a hold on me that I could never quite understand, when she showed no signs of the same.

So that is why I'm excited to move onto new things. All of those things that she did pushed me away and she eventually saw that I wouldn't always be there and now I'm not. It pushed me to my limit and I don't miss her. As for me, I'm a perfect goddess and of course she misses me. I'm just kidding, everybody is human and I'm sure that I probably did things too.

Even though the repercussions of the break up have been difficult, I don't miss her. But I still wouldn't change a minute of our relationship or what we had. We made some great memories and shared a lot of things and for some time, bought out the best in eachother.
I have even gained a better friend because of it. My ex never treated one of our friends well and I absolutely hated it, because our friend is such a great person and she was always one of my closest friends (something that my ex always hated because she didn't particularly like her) but now that we've all separated and gone our different ways in life, we talk everyday and she has become my best friend. I lost a best friend but gained a better one. One that I know would take a bullet and because we've both gone through a similar experience, we are able to support eachother so well and I can tell you that she is a friend for life.

Even the seemingly worst circumstances can sometimes be the best. I got thrown a curveball and I managed to catch it at the right time.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Is it when.....?

How do you know when it's time to walk away? Is it when you can only see the memories of the person standing in front of you instead of the one that you're supposed to love now? Is it when all of their little things that you used to find cute aren't anymore? Is it when you no longer have the energy to fight for them? Is it when you realise that settling for normality in a world where love should be spectacular isn't good enough? Or is it when you no longer believe their promises because they're not even promises, they're empty words to try and get you to stay? Is it when you don't feel compelled to see them? Is it when you know that they will leave you by yourself and show themselves again when it suits them? Is it when you want them to feel as terrible as you do, but you know that they're not? Since when did playing games become a part of the rosta? When you both know that it has faded and burnt out but only one of you is brave enough to admit it? Is it when you can't look them in the eye when you tell them that you love them because you know that you're lying to yourself? Is it when you grow tired of the 'I'm sorry's' and the 'I love you's' and the tears because they're just a heartless attempt to get you back? Is it when you're left feeling shattered because you realise that love should never leave you like this? When their negatives replace their positives? Is it when you can't see a home in them anymore? Or when you don't have the energy to be second place anymore? Second place to the way that they love themself? Maybe it's when you don't believe them anymore?

But maybe it's all just when you grow tired. Tired of knowing that playing your heart out so much isn't the way it should be.
As Taylor Swift says, 'Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right' and now is the time that I understand it.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Take It All

Sometimes people take more of you than you want. Sometimes they take so much that you will never quite be the same as you were before. There's a piece of you that will never return because they have it and they won't be giving it back. I used to think that this was a good thing; one of those cute 'I have your heart' things, but when they won't give you a piece of them in return, is that good? Is it good to crave something that they won't let you have? When they're not around and it's you that is trying to see yourself again, is that really good, knowing that they won't be doing the same? When you keep trying to energise your soul after they have run it dry, how long can you go on for?

They have taken more of you than you initially bargained for and you'll never be the same. They make you more aware of what you want and what you don't and that sometimes things or situations or people aren't always what they seem, it makes you more aware. That is good though because it helps us to learn; to learn how long we should continue with something that isn't right. It teaches us to value ourselves.

Sometimes people take more of you than you want. Sometimes they take so much that you will never quite be the same again. Sometimes that's ok. Sometimes you need something like this to really value yourself.

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Bienvenue A Paris

We took some time in the arrivals lounge to prepare ourselves for the rush that we were about to experience. We were about 45 minutes outside the center of Paris and the next week would be a busy one; but one that I couldn't wait to start.

It started out with pouring rain as we arrived at our hotel, but we refused to let that dampen (sorry) our spirits for long and as the evening came, we had already looked around - slightly underwhelmed - the local book market, made ourselves comfortable in the nearby park, explored the lovely neighborhood and were searching for food in the closed neighborhood that Sunday evening. The fact that everywhere would be closed was something that had escaped our minds in all the excitement, so we settled for a picnic in our hotel room which suited us fine for our first night in the City of Love and Light. H was flat out asleep at 8:30pm because she had, as she kept saying, "been up for many hours" and so too had I, and was harboring a 24 illness but I refused to sleep when I could instead be standing at our window and watching the beam of light from the top of the Eiffel Tower sweep round through the darkness.

Monday was our first full day, so we headed into the center of Paris on the Metro (which for me provided endless excitement as I love train travel) and started by strolling up the Champs Elysees, amongst the crowds of Americans and Asians, to then get lost in Sephora and fall in love with a rucksack and a Penny skateboard in the Roxy/Quiksilver shop, neither of which left the shop with me.
As somebody who only buys makeup when I need it, Sephora made me feel a bit on-edge. Walking amongst the stands selling countless brands of everything - the purpose of most things slightly lost on me - was like walking in a completely different world; one with perfectly turned out blonde Parisian girls that shoved perfume samples and free makeover coupons in your face. One of the girls working on the hair styling stand genuinely looked like Carrie Bradshaw and I couldn't help but stare. I lost H for a good twenty minutes but after I had found her, she was pounced upon and as I can't even talk about makeup in English, I panicked and walked away as fast as I could.
Up to the Arc de Triomphe, or as an American so loudly pointed out, "we're at the Arch of Triumph!" and back down to the Seine where we had lunch on a boat - not bad for some budget travellers! It turned out to be one of my favourite meals of the holiday, but then again, who wouldn't love a galette on a boat in the sun?
We made our way down the river and to the Louvre museum. It's a huge glass triangle and makes a great photo. There's a shopping centre inside and as we didn't have to pay for that, we got our shop on in all the nice places.
It was a late night and we fell asleep buzzing from the day that didn't quite feel as if it had happened.

Tuesday bought with it a visit to the Pompidou Centre, which we discovered to be closed, as all museums and galleries in Paris are (a handy tip for you there) and the Notre Dame Cathedral. It was an impressive piece of architecture and feeling like I should make an intelligent comment about it but not quite knowing what, I just said, "It's quite big isn't it" and that was when I realised that "It's quite big isn't it" was probably the least intelligent comment that I could ever have made. Tuesday bought with it more rain and a kind of wetness that hydrated my bones, so we called it a late afternoon, headed back to the hotel to dry off and found a cute restaurant for dinner that evening. We finished the day off with three euro wine and fell asleep a bit drunk.

Wednesday was DISNEY! We were in the park at 9:30am and I've been to both Disney in Paris and Florida before but it still had the same magic that it did all of those years ago and we both walked round simultaneously enchanted and childishly excited. I won't say much more for those of you that have yet to go, but let me leave you with the knowledge that it will make you giddy like a little school child. Leaving at 10pm was a sure sign that it was quite good.

On Thursday, we made it into the paying part of the Louvre only to be almost unimpressed at the sheer volume of marble busts and paintings of the same people. Now I was expecting pieces of art, not people art if you get me. We made it round the whole place, much to the surprise of both of us and we even saw the Mona Lisa. As we walked into its own private side room, the swarms of people were hard to miss but the one thing that I did miss was the painting. I was looking for the huge masterpiece, to then realise that the hords of people in front of me were in front of it. It was like being at a concert with everybody pushing to try and get a picture and the energy in that room was strange. I saw the little painting of the lady sitting and again, in one of my finest moments with words, managed "Is that it?" and to be honest, I was quite unimpressed. I had seen the famous Mona Lisa and the world had not shifted, it had not inspired an epiphany within me but I was still the same. I couldn't understand why they were all pushing for a picture when Google has plenty.
Guess what we did that evening? We walked up the Eiffel Tower. Hadn't you noticed its absence? We paid our five euros to walk up the two floors or 1500 steps, which took us about three quarters of the way up the tower. We got up there at about 9:30, so the sun was setting and I stood there breathless (in both senses of the word) as I absorbed the stunning view that was the entire city as it prepared for its night time festivities. When it's dark, the Eiffel Tower sparkles gold like a shimmering disco ball for five minutes on the hour, every hour and to be up there when it was happening was truly magical.
I made it my personal challenge to walk from the first floor to the second floor without stopping on the way up and needless to say, as I stood there holding my weary legs up, I was not going to do the same back down the other way.
We grabbed an 11pm dinner from a questionable food truck at the bottom of the tower and as I stood watching the Eiffel Tower sparkle for the second time that night, with frites and saucisses in one hand and H on my other side, I felt so simply content and I didn't want that night to end.

Friday was a shopping day and although it's really not my strong suit, I did make a trip to the Pull-In shop which dramatically compromised my money situation but I had been waiting all year for the Pull-In shop so I WAS LEAVING THAT SHOP WITH SOMETHING (or somethings as it turned out). I also couldn't make it past the Roxy shop without that rucksack, so it was destined to go home with me afterall.
In the evening we trammed it over to Montmarte and I have to say, I think that was probably my favourite place. Coming out of the Metro station you are greeted by the Moulin Rouge (I'm not sure whether they used that actual windmill in the film or whether it was a prop, but anyway, it was still pretty cool) and you can go in, but it's about 100 euros for a cancan show and ain't nobody that rich. There's a side street right next to the Moulin Rouge and if you go up it, you will find the cafe that they used in the film Amelie. They actually used that cafe in the film and as H is obsessed with that film and Audrey Tautou, she stood outside it at a loss for words and, I think, suffering a minor heart attack. If you sneak a peak inside, it's a bit of an Audrey Tautou shrine so you'll know that you've got the right place. She apparently lives in Paris so I wanted to cooly run into her but that unfortunately did not happen, plus I would have had to scrape H up off the floor in her starstruck mess. The area around the Moulin Rouge is a bit seedy but it was quite a funny contrast.
Montmarte is on top of a hill and you have to get a cable car type thing up to it and it was a lovely place but completely different to the rest of Paris. I liked it best because it strangely felt very familiar and I liked that about it. The artists drawing portraits and people sitting out in the cobbled streets drinking beer and wine amongst the fairy lights is something that the rest of the hectic city doesn't offer. We had dinner under a canopy strung with fairy lights and the wine topped it off - so too, did the delicious steak - but in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to capture it for a lifetime.

On our final full day in the city we returned to the Pompidou Centre and that one was actually art, but the only downside is that H looks at everything so SLOWLY, so I had looked at everything probably about three times by the time that she had done it all once. I can tell you where each piece is, I lapped it that many times.
That took up the majority of the day and we had dinner in our neighborhood and went back to a restaurant that we went to on Tuesday because we liked it so much.

We were flying back home on Sunday, but we had just enough time before making our way to Charles De Gaulle to pay a trip to the Laduree shop, although I saw the price of the macaroons and that was my minor heart attack. But H let me have one of hers and I started with the polite, "No, no they're yours. You paid for them and they're not cheap" but a few hours later at the airport, she sat there holding them and I caved and just went "ok then, thanks". They were nice but not the amazing piece of patisserie that I had been promised about.

Paris is a city that cannot be described properly in words; to really experience it then you just have to go. It gives you a certain feeling that I'm not sure anywhere else could. With my role as translator also fulfilled, Paris left me enchanted. I was in love, but not just with Paris.

(Pictures to come)

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Who's That Girl?

A few days ago I did a catwalk show for H. As she's doing an art pre-foundation course at the moment (actually that's not true because she's finished it now) and studying fashion, she needed a model to style the clothes that she's made throughout the year. There was four of them so that meant four clothing changes at breakneck speed in between each walk and speedy it was.

The huge changing room was in a different warehouse to where the fashion show was taking place so as I was running from the catwalk to the other warehouse, I was also trying to take off as many things on the way, in preparation for the twenty second turn around (which is quite hard in heels).
The catwalk was long and on a few occasions we had to walk up and down it twice, which at first struck me with fear because I had never been so nervous about walking in all my life, but as soon as we had done the dress rehearsal before everybody arrived, I wasn't that nervous anymore but just fired up.

It is such a unique feeling that can perhaps only be described if you have done it. I, at first, felt a lot of responsibility to model the clothes that she has been working on throughout the year, as it's almost like giving someone who has no knowledge about something, a pen and asking them to take the exam in your name.
Although, as I gained the useful skill of walking quite a long time ago, I knew that I would be ok; I had also been practicing my fierce walk up and down the hallway in my uni flat when everybody was asleep at 3am for MONTHS. I was taking this shit seriously.

It was such a buzz to have the entire audience looking at me. As a girl that was once a tomboy and always compared to her hotter sister, this was exactly what I needed. I used to be the insecurest person possible when it came to my body and was used to blending in, but over the past year, I have overcome this and am confident on a whole new level. But still, to have people taking my picture (including the PRESS) and clapping as I walked out will be something that I will never forget. It was a big deal for me and as I was powering down that catwalk, I thought to myself, who was that insecure girl that I knew a year ago because if she could see what she would be doing, then maybe she wouldn't have been so uncomfortable about her body. A year ago, I wouldn't have even changed in that huge room with everybody, but I stood there in my underwear without a care in the world and I felt so proud of myself.
So if you are like I was, then please believe me when I say that you are beautiful right now and that appreciating your body for how it is and understanding that no two people look the same will help you to overcome this and to love your body. Don't worry about confidence right now, that will come and soon you won't even have to think about it.

Some people hated the twenty second clothing changes, but I loved it. That too was a massive adrenaline rush and I loved every second of the show.

I walked off the runway for the final time and all I could do was jump up and down and wish that it would happen again because I really did enjoy it.
Maybe I've found a new career path?! Well who knows.

Saturday, 7 June 2014


Well, it's been a while. I've had a concussion and the doctor told me 'not to think' (not even joking) in order for my brain to stop swelling and return to its normal size - so blame him, not me. That makes sense I guess, because it is still just another muscle and not using it actually works and it has basically gone now which is great because I wasn't allowed to drink alcohol either. And that, coincidentally, is how I got the concussion.

It was my last night out at uni and after me and my flatmate had had some drinks, he randomly picked me up and ran with me around the flat in a fireman's carry - of which I was more concerned about flashing my butt to everybody due to my skirt than the fact that I was being paraded head first, AT SPEED, up and down the narrow corridors - and as he stopped in a doorway casually having a chat to one of our flatmates with me over his shoulder, he then swung round which resulted in me banging my head on the door frame.

Although me being slightly...... I won't say drunk because that gives you a bad idea of me..... but yes, drunk, I didn't feel the pain and it was only in the next few days and particularly the day after, that I realised that it wasn't a little bang on the head. I went to the hospital a week later even though I had spent that week panicking that I was actually suffering from a brain bleed, so THANKS GREY'S ANATOMY FOR MY WORRIED SELF DIAGNOSIS.

Luckily not.

Saturday, 17 May 2014

Promise Yourself This

Rule #1 Never Be #2

Some people are in your life to test you... Until you stand up and say: enough is enough. I am worth more than you offer me.

I have come to realise in the last day or two that sometimes you just have to understand when it's time, when enough really is enough. Understanding that you're the second option is never nice but surely if people don't even bother to give you the chance to be the first choice then these people aren't worth it?
No matter how hard you try, sometimes you just can't offer people everything. People aren't always going to like you but that's ok because you will meet people that really do and you'll forget how it feels to be the second option. They will love you and it will make up for all of those times that people didn't. You'll understand why you should never settle for being somebody's go-to option when they have nobody else because everybody is worth more than that. You deserve to be loved and to be treated right. Wait for the people that laugh at your jokes and want to see you and miss you when you're not around. Wait for them because they are out there and if that day hasn't already come, well, it will soon. Don't worry, it will.

I have seven days left at uni before I leave this place and I'll tell you what, I'll be running out that door. I'll finally be saying goodbye to the people that don't treat me right and never have done, to the people that shouldn't even be worth my time because I'm not worth theirs, to those shallow minded people.

Instead, I'll be going back to people that do treat me right and do appreciate me and to the people that miss me when I'm away and to the people that put me first. It sounds shallow to say that I can't wait to get back to those crazies that put me first, because what everything has taught me is that you should never settle for people that would never settle for you.

Just know that you are loved and you are special.

Tuesday, 13 May 2014


So I have this thing and it's called wanderlust. You might have heard of it.

I want to travel everywhere and see everything. I have a list of places that I want to go to and I hope that one day I will have seen them all. I'm starting this summer with the City of Light or Love (however you choose to describe it), Paris.

I want to drink up other cultures. I want to fall asleep to the sound of the sea and the sound of taxi cabs and wake up in the morning to sun streaming through the blinds and wake up in the middle of the night to see fragmented street lights through the blinds. I want to spend so long with my feet on sand that they feel strange in shoes and I want to see so much snow that it becomes the view outside of my window.
I'm going to travel and maybe I'll stay somewhere and never leave, or maybe I'll stay for a few days or months or years. I want to live abroad, that I know, but part of the excitement is not knowing where or for how long. There must be something really liberating about just packing your bags and going somewhere. I mean, that's one of the wonders of this world - that you can buy a plane ticket in an instant and go ANYWHERE.

There literally is a world of possibility out there and I don't want to miss any part of it.

Thursday, 8 May 2014

This One's Down To Me Now

Knowing what you want is not something that comes easily to everybody. Although some people always know what they want, others don't and it takes a lot of thinking time and narrowing down your options to get to the root.
I, for example, never wanted to go to uni but then came across a course that got my attention and made me change my mind at the last minute. Fair enough, I then realised that that wasn't the right path for me and that's how I ended in the situation that I'm now in.
I got my current uni choice through clearing and soon discovered that again, something wasn't right with it. I have now secured a place at a different university for the next two years but now that I have, I'm not sure if that's what I want. I don't have the drive or passion for it like everybody does - I've come to a place where I don't know what I want and I'm not sure if uni even fits in that.

I started looking at uni's in the first place because that's what is expected of us now. It's just what people do. We're all expected to go whether we particularly want to or not but racking up a £40,000 debt isn't something that I believe should be taken lightly really.
I mean, I'm eventually going to get a mortgage on a house and buy a car and with uni debt's aswell, should I add to that when it's not really something that I want that much anymore.

I think I need to get inspired and make a mood board/life board like Meg Ryan does in 'The Women' because those boards always seem to end with a good outcome.
It seems to me that it's about focusing. Focusing on what I want. Not what everybody thinks or wants me to do, but what I really want because after all, it's me that is living my life and me that needs to be happy in it.

As somebody said to me a few days ago:
'Don't fucking worry about what everyone else wants you to do'

(Even with the swearing I still thinks it's a simple sentence of inspiration).

Monday, 5 May 2014


'Yeah I'll get over it eventually and maybe even really soon but that doesn't make it hurt any less right now.'

Saturday, 3 May 2014

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Those Ocean Blues

It's been nearly a year since I've been surfing and as the summer is approaching, I'm getting twitchier because I'm not going to the beach this year. After spending a month abroad surfing last year (and two weeks of that being at a surf camp), I really made progress with my surfing and to not go this year makes me sad and means that my progress will be put on hold. I'm going to Paris for a week instead and don't get me wrong, it's going to be fantastic and it looks wonderful and I'm so excited but it will also be the first year that I won't be spending near or on a beach so I don't quite know how that's gonna go down. I'm thinking if it's only May now, what am I going to be like in AUGUST when I SHOULD BE SURFING.

Going to the beach is such a stress reliever because it's so different from everything else. I mean, we spend all year with shoes on our feet, sticking to a schedule, being surrounded by buildings and constant noise but you go to the beach and don't wear shoes and don't wear a watch and spend four hours in the water at a time with your board and there's no buildings and then you get out of the water and collapse on the sand listening to the waves pounding (that sounds like a holiday ad doesn't it - maybe I should follow that career path in life). I love falling asleep at night being absolutely exhausted from having been pounded by the waves and the physical effort that it that it takes to surf, and for me, I don't get that feeling from anything else.
I love all of the extras that come with surfing too; I love the long days and even better, the long evenings, I love the way the sand starts to cool at about 7pm, I love the other people that love to surf, I love the smell of surfboard wax, I love my wetsuit, the weird bikini tan and I love the salt water, but mostly, I love the way that surfing makes me feel because there's no better feeling possible. It is probably the most freeing thing that you can do and to spend hours in the water with just you and the board with no other worries, but just the complete focus of catching waves is like nothing else. The sea really does set you free.

Paddling out and sitting out back waiting for sets is one of my favourite things ever - apart from that moment when you stand up and you get that rush of adrenaline surge through your body. Whether the ocean is flat and you just sit bobbing on the surface or whether the waves are pumping and you're sitting there trying to get the guts to catch a 20 foot wave (after catching ones like that, I'll tell you, I'll catch anything), that's when the love for the sport (how cringe) really kicks in.

Ah writing this makes me even sadder that I'm not even going to be putting on a bikini this year. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT GOING SURFING HOW HEARTBREAKING.

I might get my wetsuit out and just sit in it. Whilst doing shaka's. Yeah I might do that.

Although I'm going to try my hardest to sneak a few days surfing in somewhere because I can't wait for another year, that's just too long............ and the summer of twitchiness begins.
But the one thing that I can wear this summer is board shorts and man I can't wait to wear them again.

Summer is so my season.

Tuesday, 22 April 2014


So the discussion as to whether FIS' takeover from TTR for the snowboarding qualification for the Sochi Olympics this year would totally ruin it didn't seem to come to much. The TTR (Ticket To Ride) have always run all snowboarding events and are the go-to guys for events, but for some reason, FIS (International Ski Federation) thought they could do it better, therefore fueling uproar in the snowboarding world.

I read that some snowboarders were thinking about pulling out of the Olympics because they didn't agree with the FIS takeover and couldn't see how this was going to be beneficial for the representation of snowboarding (particularly with the introduction of slopestyle), so there was a lot of pressure heading into the games. Snowboarders think that the FIS don't understand snowboarders (but let's face it, we're a strange bunch anyway) and because they judge differently to TTR, they don't listen to how the snowboarders want their events organised and judged.

Also, because the FIS were put in charge of the Olympics, they employed a different company that build the FIS ski courses to build all of the half pipe and slopestyle courses, but of course these were not the same people that usually build the snowboarding courses at events. The snowboarders go-to company are called Snow Park Technologies and they couldn't be popular, so naturally FIS were risking a lot by not using them.
It was said by a few of the pros that the Olympic slopestyle course was not as good as it could be and some jumps were slightly off because the members of the FIS' building company are not snowboarders and therefore couldn't test it properly.

But, the one thing that can be said about this situation is that it didn't reach the major media coverage which can only be taken as a good thing, because it obviously didn't cause as much trouble as initially thought.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Soul Mate or Soul Fake?

My sister and mum have recently been having an elongated, stretched out conversation about soul mates over the last few days and their thoughts about them couldn't be more different to mine. You know the idea that there is one soul mate for everybody and that you meet your soul mate, well that's what I believe but they don't. They think that somebody has to earn the role of a soul mate which I can see the theory in but I don't think that; I believe in fate and I believe that meeting your soul mate is fate and not earnt.

My sister also went into that whole 'IF THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON FOR EVERYBODY, WHAT IF I MISS THEM AND DON'T END UP WITH THEM?' (she is Charlotte from Sex and the City I'm completely sure).
Which got me thinking, surely you could love somebody but without them being your soul mate and if you were unfortunate enough to break up, then you're moving on to find your soul mate, because if you broke up with somebody then maybe they're not your soul mate because you would do anything to keep your soul mate if you knew that you had them.

I'm one of those people that think that love should be an extraordinary thing and that there should be nothing mediocre about it and to be spent with your soul mate - the person that understands you best and is like or is your best friend. But on the other side of the coin, are soul mates just made up to trick people into thinking that they've found their person when maybe they haven't? Are they a way of making people think that all is fair in love and war?

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Flames or Embers?

What are you now: flames or glowing embers?
Right now, at this particular moment, i'm glowing embers. I wish that I could be fiery, crackling flames all of the time but it always depends on the people that you surround yourself with. 3 days ago I was the fire. My flames rose so tall that they weren't backing down, simply because I was with the right people. But over the last three days those flames have slowly shortened so that i'm a little fire. I'm the glowing embers at the end of a fire when the occasional flame manages to escape.
It's strange to think that only three days ago I was the fire. But....... because i'm the embers, the fire has to start again and so it will in 14 days.

Friday, 7 March 2014

Black, Red and Green

Ok, so I've never been a jealous person before. Never in my life have I been a jealous person. But for the last six months I have been and I absolutely hate it. It's all been a new experience for me and I hate what jealousy does to me. It literally does turn me black, red and green. Black and red are associated with anger and red and green are associated with jealousy. The problem with jealousy is that I don't just become jealous but I get excessively angry too. It's reached its peach this week with H being in New York because it's not so much that she's in New York, but who she's there with.
I can't remember if I've told you before, but H is doing an art pre-foundation year in between A Levels and uni and through doing that, she's become friends with T. And T just forced her way in and invited herself to everything that me and H and our other friends do together - you know you have things that just you and your friends do and have always done? Well T decided that she'd like to get in on that didn't she. As you can tell, I have never liked her because it seems as if she's actively trying to take my friends (especially H) away from me. E also goes to college with T, and even she doesn't like her so at least I'm not the only one. I have tried to like T. Trust me when I say that. I'm pleased for H that she's got a new friend whilst I'm here at uni, but the fact that I wish it was me never goes away. After 7 months, I had finally started to almost quite like T and not have a problem with this whole thing and it didn't even really bother me anymore. Which for me and how it made me feel, was real progress. A 'let's celebrate this progress' progress.

But after seeing a constant stream of pictures from New York for the last five days, the black, red and green finally hit me today. It had been building up in me for the last five days and all it took was for one more thing to absolutely get me caught. It wasn't even jealousy anymore, it was anger instead. I think the anger is worse. But it wasn't just a slightly annoyed about it thing; it was shaking hands, hot streaming tears, ending in a heap on the floor and I even threw my phone across the room several times. In which it hit the door....several times.
I'm not proud of all of this. Honestly I'm not. I hate that I'm like this. But the thing that makes me feel even more guilty than I already do, is that H doesn't feel jealous about me and my new friends here and she's admitted that to me. I would feel a bit better if she felt jealous about me but she doesn't. People say that that's because she's so sure and certain of our friendship so she doesn't need to feel guilty about it. Whereas with me, it's not that I don't feel certain and secure about it because I completely trust her in our friendship, it's just T that I don't trust. She does everything so brutally and thoughtlessly that she could easily string H along with her ways and H wouldn't realise what was happening. (H is a bit oblivious to things sometimes).

*twenty minutes and one huge vent over*
Maybe some of you have experienced this and know how horrible it is to see it happen and if it's happening to you right now too....... Breathe. Maybe it's not as bad as it looks.

And when it comes to life, if in doubt, just breathe.

Thursday, 6 March 2014


I hope you all enjoyed the winter Olympics and that even if it's not your normal thing, that you watched it anyway because you only get that kind of winter action every 4 years!

Snowboarding is my thing and I was so excited about slopestyle being the new event of the games because I love the freedom and creativity of it - it's so awesome that it should come with its own soundtrack. I was supporting Jenny Jones (AKA 'The Jones') and Aimee Fuller and I thought that they both had a good chance of a podium, especially The Jones, I mean she's had 20 years of experience in slopestyle so to reckon that she has no chance would have been ridiculous. Most people that I spoke to about it didn't have Jenny figured on their radars, but I smugly knew that she would pull through. Oh yeah, my friend knows her. How awesome is that? So you can only imagine my excitement when she got a bronze - cue crazy fist pumping. Afterall, she's worked hard enough for it over the years and it would probably be her last chance to qualify for the Olympics considering that she's in her 30's, so she's practically ancient compared to all the 18 year olds out there. Sorry Jenny.
I was surprised about Aimee Fuller though. She's always been at the forefront of slopestyle too, so to see her crash out on her last run was reaaaaaaaaally disappointing.
Sarka Pancochova, a Czech rider, also had the gnarliest crash and split her helmet in TWO. I was cringing the whole time because she just bounced all the way down like a rag doll and was lucky not to have broken her neck, but then she just casually got up and finished the run. As you do. So always wear a lid kids!

The ice hockey was also something that I was really into. I've always wanted to try it and watching it just made me want to try it LIKE CRAZY. I'm not Canadian, but I have to say, I was backing Canada all the way. Their motto was for the games (and especially the hockey) was #WeAreWinter and it really caught on with everybody. The USA/Canada match was so tense it was unreal. I was going out that night and was watching it right until the last minute and left myself the shortest amount of time possible to get ready because it was SUCH A GOOD MATCH! I felt like an honorary Canadian for a couple of hours and I'm sure that if they knew that, they'd be so stoked about it and let me move there no questions asked. You can thank me later Canada.

The winter Paralympics start tomorrow, so I hope that's on your watch list too. Enjoy!

This also unfortunately happened to Anna Gasser during one of her runs and it's such an awkward/embarrassing/ funny moment. Shame on you if you missed it.

Monday, 3 March 2014

On +5 Hours Time

Well H has flown to New York today. NEW YORK. So obviously I hate her. Her flight was delayed by 5 hours, so because of that and the 5 hours time difference, she'll get to New York at about 11pm but 6pm USA time and you don't really think about the time difference until something like that occurs to you.
I can't believe it though, she'll be in the City of Dreams whilst I'm going to lectures and doing work. Hhmm, that kinda sucks. It's about -5 and snowing there at the moment; as if New York isn't beautiful enough anyway. Can you imagine Times Square lit up at night with snow falling? Oh my, the beauty. I've never been to NY as you can probably guess from my innocent ideas about it, but I wonder if it really is as magical as it seems in films. I know that there's some really dodgy parts but I'm talking about the center of the city. Manhattan. Ah I've been trying not to think about it actually because then I just get way too jealous and wish I was there. Obviously I couldn't be more stoked for her that she is going to New York, it's just you never really want somebody to be livin' it up in America whilst you're in a tiny rainy town somewhere. Although she said she'll bring me presents back, so I like her a bit more because of that.

So let's all hope she doesn't have too much fun shall we?

'You say good morning when it's midnight' - this time difference is really gonna mess up my brain.

Thursday, 20 February 2014


It's 3:19am and I got in from L's half an hour ago and it was a great, wild night and I had so much fun and we were all very drunk and didn't care about anything, but now I'm here looking at my tear stained cheeks and bright red lipstick because that makes me look like I have it a bit more together than I actually do. But the girl in the mirror is different to the one that was dancing and the life of the party at 1am this morning.
It's weird that I'm like this now because I had a good day and thought the other phase had passed but the inevitability of the realisation that I'm still in a place that I don't want to be, with nobody here waiting for me was always going to kick back in again at some point.
But the only person that can get this weak, crying body up off the floor and stop it from happening again is not here and I always need that person in the soberest of times but right now, I needed them more. I needed them to tell me that everything is going to be ok and hold my hand and just smile at me. I needed some comfort and that person is my comfort and safety. I could be stuck out at sea with them and still feel safe. I was sober at this point, but why is it that after drinking and your brain gains its deep thinking power and emotions again, it always hits in the most painful way and slams you hardest against the wall?
Don't think for a minute that I'm always like this after alcohol, because I'm not. It's just on that very odd occasion that my head chooses to make it the forefront of everything and it ends with me on the floor flooded by darkness. A darkness that feels as if you can't escape it and one that might shroud you for a while. But it always fades. Eventually. Sometimes it just lasts the night, sometimes it lasts longer but it will leave you.

Here's to next year when I'll be doing the right thing for me and things will be a lot different.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

12 Minutes of Summer


Here's a nice video for y'all. If you're craving a bit of sun, foamy waves, awesome surfing and great music then this is the video for you. Or if you're not, then watch it anyway because it's summer in 12 minutes and who's ever going to turn down 12 minutes of summer in February?

Saturday, 15 February 2014

Lost and Found

Well I hope you all had a lovely Valentine's Day, whether you were on your own or with somebody that you love, everybody deserves to be loved and I think it's great that we have a specific day to do something extra special.

Nearly two weeks ago now, H came and saw me at uni and we had a few days here, then we headed to go and see Taylor Swift and had two days in the city. We'd been counting down for so long and for it to actually have come around (so quickly) seemed weird and we both had a bit of an extra electric energy because of it. We stayed in a hotel too, and it felt like we were living the high life in our posh hotel room in the city hah.
When H was at uni with me, we did our usual of laying on the floor and talking and laughing for hours and hours at nothing and everything for two days. We went out on the Friday night and even just having her there next to me was the best feeling because I've been feeling so alone recently, but having somebody that makes me feel so comfortable was such a relief and I really needed it. Really needed it. Being surrounded by all the wrong people has recently made me feel like I've lost myself and I kept trying to search for it and get myself back again but it was only when H was here that I realised how much I really had lost myself. Before she got here, I didn't even recognise myself anymore, it's like I had turned into my own stranger and knowing that is such a horrible feeling. When you realise it, and everything you do seems to be no use, is just the worst. But I've just got to wait it out because I've come to the decision to not carry on at this uni anymore, so soon I'll be out of this strange void and somewhere else that I can be myself again. I won't be lost anymore.

It's H that found me again, like she did when I met her.
'I was lost but now I'm found'.

Taylor Swift was incredible by the way. She puts on the most extravagant shows and it's two hours of pure emotion, passion, drama and electricity. As she says, even her shows could be described as 'red'; simply from the mixture of every emotion possible that she pours into her performances.
I've been to one of her concerts before - I went to the Speak Now tour and seeing her perform Red was a nice follow up - so I knew just what kind of extravagance and magic I was letting myself in for. When the lights came on after the show, I got that weird instant feeling of post-concert withdrawal, I suppose you could call it and I thought, wow, for somebody to be able to do that to you is quite amazing.

The next day, we spent in the city doing our usual wandering to our usual places. We ended the awesome four days in our favourite Turkish coffee shop (sounds strange but they do THE BEST coffee) and it suddenly hit me that I would have to say goodbye to her again and go back to somewhere that I don't really want to be and return to the people that quite honestly don't care about the real me and don't even seem to like the real me. But being myself for four days was enough to get me through to the next time that I would see H, which was less than two weeks away. But it still didn't stop the tears as we said goodbye at the train station and I pushed my way through the ticket barrier only to be greeted by streaming hot tears down my face and shaking hands. It was as if my body was physically rejecting what was happening and her ten day absence had not registered at all. It never gets easier though, no matter how short the time is between our meetup's. Ten days is nothing, I thought, but still the effects of it were obvious and weren't going to stop.

Ten days later took us to two days ago. Again, we talked and laughed and were silly for two days and it was fantastic. I was free and myself and it was easy. It was so easy and soul warming that I didn't want her to leave. In the minutes before she had to go, I sat there and was so happy that I couldn't imagine being without that and her again, so much so that as we said goodbye and she got into her car, I couldn't even stand and wave her off because I could feel it again. I had to go because the inevitable wave of sadness rolled over me, so quickly and instantaneous again, that I managed to make it back to my room before it felt as if I was going to break. I knew after last time, that my flat 'mates' - they are the furthest thing from mates - would definitely not appreciate that. Some of you might sigh at The Saturdays song that I'm about to quote but they really do 'need to have a sit down with their egos' (And one time about a month ago we were sitting talking and one of them said 'you're not going to start crying are you because I don't know how to deal with that' and I thought God forbid I should actually be human and actually show some emotion'.)
I'm not going to see H for a month now, but my sister's coming to stay with me in two weeks and that's getting me through because it seems like I haven't seen her in ages! She's at uni somewhere else.
With H this time around, all I got was less than 48 hours, but 48 hours is always better than nothing, so I can just hold onto that until I see her again and then shortly after that we'll have the summer ahead of us! AKA the time of our lives I think.

So if you're ever feeling like I am, sometimes the only thing you can do until something better comes along is remember and hold onto the good things and fight to get those back again, because they will come back again, maybe only temporarily at first, but they will come back and you'll be glad that you fought to get them back again. Realise that things can only get better from here, and even if it feels like you're stuck, you might be but not always. Something will come along and you'll be proud of yourself that you had faith in better times and that even through the hardest times you still believed that something better would come along and you'll be rewarded. I'm not exactly sure what is destined for me next year, but all I know is that it will be better than this and if it's another uni somewhere else, then at least I won't have to feel like this anymore. The faith in better things is what is getting me through.
So come on, let's all keep that FAITH.

Saturday, 25 January 2014

'The Mould'

I'd got to that point recently when I realised that real friends don't come about easily or sometimes often. Being surrounded by lots of the wrong people can make you feel lonelier than if you were on your own and I know about this because I've spent most of my time in this situation. My friends at school came about because they seemed to be most like me, but in a way they were so much more different and it didn't really work because they would treat me in a way that I didn't want to be treated and I found myself pretending to be somebody that I wasn't. But because I had pretended for so long, it became hard to be myself again; I almost couldn't find it.

That was the case up until last year when I met H and she introduced me to her friends and we all clicked. H was and is the first person to see the real and most genuine me - there was something there that prevented me from keeping my walls up and it was wonderful. But since coming to uni, i'm stuck again where I started from and it feels wrong. I thought that turning up with my real personality from day one was the best way to do it, but it seems that still nobody really gets me. H has taught me that the only way to be is myself, but maybe for now, she's an exceptionally exceptional person. Maybe everybody is too interested in themselves to look for and be interested in another person, which is heartbreaking because why are people becoming more and more like this?
I mean, with one of my friends here, we joke and have a laugh but I don't think there's anything deeper there, which surprises me because I thought that we could be really good friends.

However, last night something quite amazing happened. Me and one of my flatmates went out for somebody's birthday and a mutual friend of my flatmate's was there. We've met eachother quite a few times before, but last night he opened up to me on a whole new level. I could tell that he needed to talk about something and so of all the people that we were out with, I was the only one that was there to listen to him as everybody else walked away. And then because of that, he told me that he has so much respect for me as a person and who I am and that he really enjoyed my company. I had never really connected with him before but all it took was a different situation and both of us showing that we're real for it to actually change into a friendship. But just the fact of knowing that I was there for him when nobody else was and that he was so grateful for that, reminds me that maybe everybody doesn't fit the uninterested and shallow mould that I've so often seen.

So all I can say is that the most unexpected people often seem to be the ones that surprise you, and please whatever you do, don't become one of the people that walk away instead of listening, because somebody will always be grateful that you stayed.

Thursday, 23 January 2014

That Month...

Well hello! I know it's been a ridiculously long time since I've written anything but I've been a bit overwhelmed with busy-ness recently.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas (even though it feels like so long ago now) but I hope the Christmas cheer was well spread. I certainly had an awesome Christmas.
I got a month off from uni and to be honest, I couldn't wait to get home. I'd been so busy on the lead up to Christmas with assignments that I couldn't wait to see H, chill with my fam, sleep in my own little bed and not have to wear makeup all the time. Before I went back home I hadn't seen H for a month and not seeing her for that long got a bit exhausting; I know that in the grand scheme of things a month isn't a long time, but being without the one person that understands every molecule of you is definitely not easy. I had high hopes for that month (especially because Christmas was right in the middle of it) and I'll tell you what, every second of that month was worth the wait and the build up.

It was magical actually. You know how intense and sparkly and wonderful Nicholas Sparks' books are? (well they sometimes get a bit sad and tragic at the end, but lets ignore that) Well, my month was like that. I was like a glowing little fairy light that you never turn out because I felt so happy. At the start of that month, I had the idea of the wonderful things and prospects that were ahead of me and everything that I had imagined to happen, happened.

I got the coach home and as it made its way through the dark, my excitement escalated because as I sat there on the coach, it was like a different world. With the darkness outside, the dim lights above my seat and my music on, I was already in a world of excitement and magic before I even got home.

I went Christmas shopping with H the day after I got back, and then went and stayed with my sister at her uni that weekend. We had a good time and chilled and did some shopping and had a few too many Jaeger bombs.
Then the Christmas party that I was hosting with H came around. I'd built up this party in my head because H had told me about her one last year and all I could think was that it would be legendary....... Legendary it definitely was.
We spent New Year's Eve together and we had such a fun time. I'm gonna admit that we did drink quite a lot, but it wasn't that horrible drunk where you have absolutely no idea what's happening, it was the moderate drunk that starts out as one drink and ends up as a few more (and then you just laugh at absolutely anything and everything...... and fall off your chair).
We spent the 2nd of January in the city and ate food and drank coffee and saw the fairy lights in the square and walked and saw everything. The city strung in lights is a special kind of enchanting.
The week after that we had coffee by ourselves and with our friends and got a bit too hyped up on caffeine and went to the woods and stood silently staring at a deer about ten feet away from us and considering H had never seen a deer before (I KNOW) we managed to get rid of her theory that deers are a conspiracy theory (I KNOW). Then we headed back to hers and sung our hearts out to our soundtracks.

And just like that, my month was up. After a teary goodbye to H, I left hers and went back to uni a day later. That was a bit like the end to a Nicholas Sparks book; all that magic was somehow now in the past and I couldn't quite function that it was over for a while.

I hope you all had the same magical Christmas that I did and that you spent it with the people that you wanted to.
Until next time....