Wednesday, 12 April 2017

What About the Landing?

Lady Antebellum say it quite well with the line, 'scared of love but scared of life alone'. Nothing has ever been so relatable to be honest. I am stuck in this limbo and think I have been for quite a while now.

I'm a hopeless romantic and I want the fairytale, but I think this is where my problem stems from. I want the fairytale so much that the thought of entering into anything strikes fear into me, incase it doesn't match my daydreams. It seems to be getting worse. I just can't cross that line and actually start anything.
I have been hurt in the past and that definitely has something to do with it too. You see, it's harder to be hurt by yourself and easier to forgive, whereas it's easier to be hurt by someone else and harder to forgive. I am happy on my own; I have always enjoyed my own company and am at the point where I don't need anybody to make me happy because I can do it myself. I am very aware of this fact, sometimes too aware, because it is part of my reasoning for staying single. I have always been a guarded and private person and am selective as to who I let in. I keep myself protected and this is the main reason for staying single - self protection.

I am happy being on my own but am becoming tired of it. That seems like an oxymoron and it totally is. What I'm trying to say is that I can keep myself happy and strong but it would be nice to not always have to be so strong; to be vulnerable and put that power into somebody else's hands. It's been almost a year now and I think I'd like that to change sometime soon. But I guess in order to do that, I have to let go, leave it be and let myself feel things. I guess sometimes you just have to fall and see where you land.