Thursday, 20 February 2014


It's 3:19am and I got in from L's half an hour ago and it was a great, wild night and I had so much fun and we were all very drunk and didn't care about anything, but now I'm here looking at my tear stained cheeks and bright red lipstick because that makes me look like I have it a bit more together than I actually do. But the girl in the mirror is different to the one that was dancing and the life of the party at 1am this morning.
It's weird that I'm like this now because I had a good day and thought the other phase had passed but the inevitability of the realisation that I'm still in a place that I don't want to be, with nobody here waiting for me was always going to kick back in again at some point.
But the only person that can get this weak, crying body up off the floor and stop it from happening again is not here and I always need that person in the soberest of times but right now, I needed them more. I needed them to tell me that everything is going to be ok and hold my hand and just smile at me. I needed some comfort and that person is my comfort and safety. I could be stuck out at sea with them and still feel safe. I was sober at this point, but why is it that after drinking and your brain gains its deep thinking power and emotions again, it always hits in the most painful way and slams you hardest against the wall?
Don't think for a minute that I'm always like this after alcohol, because I'm not. It's just on that very odd occasion that my head chooses to make it the forefront of everything and it ends with me on the floor flooded by darkness. A darkness that feels as if you can't escape it and one that might shroud you for a while. But it always fades. Eventually. Sometimes it just lasts the night, sometimes it lasts longer but it will leave you.

Here's to next year when I'll be doing the right thing for me and things will be a lot different.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

12 Minutes of Summer


Here's a nice video for y'all. If you're craving a bit of sun, foamy waves, awesome surfing and great music then this is the video for you. Or if you're not, then watch it anyway because it's summer in 12 minutes and who's ever going to turn down 12 minutes of summer in February?

Saturday, 15 February 2014

Lost and Found

Well I hope you all had a lovely Valentine's Day, whether you were on your own or with somebody that you love, everybody deserves to be loved and I think it's great that we have a specific day to do something extra special.

Nearly two weeks ago now, H came and saw me at uni and we had a few days here, then we headed to go and see Taylor Swift and had two days in the city. We'd been counting down for so long and for it to actually have come around (so quickly) seemed weird and we both had a bit of an extra electric energy because of it. We stayed in a hotel too, and it felt like we were living the high life in our posh hotel room in the city hah.
When H was at uni with me, we did our usual of laying on the floor and talking and laughing for hours and hours at nothing and everything for two days. We went out on the Friday night and even just having her there next to me was the best feeling because I've been feeling so alone recently, but having somebody that makes me feel so comfortable was such a relief and I really needed it. Really needed it. Being surrounded by all the wrong people has recently made me feel like I've lost myself and I kept trying to search for it and get myself back again but it was only when H was here that I realised how much I really had lost myself. Before she got here, I didn't even recognise myself anymore, it's like I had turned into my own stranger and knowing that is such a horrible feeling. When you realise it, and everything you do seems to be no use, is just the worst. But I've just got to wait it out because I've come to the decision to not carry on at this uni anymore, so soon I'll be out of this strange void and somewhere else that I can be myself again. I won't be lost anymore.

It's H that found me again, like she did when I met her.
'I was lost but now I'm found'.

Taylor Swift was incredible by the way. She puts on the most extravagant shows and it's two hours of pure emotion, passion, drama and electricity. As she says, even her shows could be described as 'red'; simply from the mixture of every emotion possible that she pours into her performances.
I've been to one of her concerts before - I went to the Speak Now tour and seeing her perform Red was a nice follow up - so I knew just what kind of extravagance and magic I was letting myself in for. When the lights came on after the show, I got that weird instant feeling of post-concert withdrawal, I suppose you could call it and I thought, wow, for somebody to be able to do that to you is quite amazing.

The next day, we spent in the city doing our usual wandering to our usual places. We ended the awesome four days in our favourite Turkish coffee shop (sounds strange but they do THE BEST coffee) and it suddenly hit me that I would have to say goodbye to her again and go back to somewhere that I don't really want to be and return to the people that quite honestly don't care about the real me and don't even seem to like the real me. But being myself for four days was enough to get me through to the next time that I would see H, which was less than two weeks away. But it still didn't stop the tears as we said goodbye at the train station and I pushed my way through the ticket barrier only to be greeted by streaming hot tears down my face and shaking hands. It was as if my body was physically rejecting what was happening and her ten day absence had not registered at all. It never gets easier though, no matter how short the time is between our meetup's. Ten days is nothing, I thought, but still the effects of it were obvious and weren't going to stop.

Ten days later took us to two days ago. Again, we talked and laughed and were silly for two days and it was fantastic. I was free and myself and it was easy. It was so easy and soul warming that I didn't want her to leave. In the minutes before she had to go, I sat there and was so happy that I couldn't imagine being without that and her again, so much so that as we said goodbye and she got into her car, I couldn't even stand and wave her off because I could feel it again. I had to go because the inevitable wave of sadness rolled over me, so quickly and instantaneous again, that I managed to make it back to my room before it felt as if I was going to break. I knew after last time, that my flat 'mates' - they are the furthest thing from mates - would definitely not appreciate that. Some of you might sigh at The Saturdays song that I'm about to quote but they really do 'need to have a sit down with their egos' (And one time about a month ago we were sitting talking and one of them said 'you're not going to start crying are you because I don't know how to deal with that' and I thought God forbid I should actually be human and actually show some emotion'.)
I'm not going to see H for a month now, but my sister's coming to stay with me in two weeks and that's getting me through because it seems like I haven't seen her in ages! She's at uni somewhere else.
With H this time around, all I got was less than 48 hours, but 48 hours is always better than nothing, so I can just hold onto that until I see her again and then shortly after that we'll have the summer ahead of us! AKA the time of our lives I think.

So if you're ever feeling like I am, sometimes the only thing you can do until something better comes along is remember and hold onto the good things and fight to get those back again, because they will come back again, maybe only temporarily at first, but they will come back and you'll be glad that you fought to get them back again. Realise that things can only get better from here, and even if it feels like you're stuck, you might be but not always. Something will come along and you'll be proud of yourself that you had faith in better times and that even through the hardest times you still believed that something better would come along and you'll be rewarded. I'm not exactly sure what is destined for me next year, but all I know is that it will be better than this and if it's another uni somewhere else, then at least I won't have to feel like this anymore. The faith in better things is what is getting me through.
So come on, let's all keep that FAITH.