Promise Yourself This

Rule #1 Never Be #2

Some people are in your life to test you... Until you stand up and say: enough is enough. I am worth more than you offer me.

I have come to realise in the last day or two that sometimes you just have to understand when it's time, when enough really is enough. Understanding that you're the second option is never nice but surely if people don't even bother to give you the chance to be the first choice then these people aren't worth it?
No matter how hard you try, sometimes you just can't offer people everything. People aren't always going to like you but that's ok because you will meet people that really do and you'll forget how it feels to be the second option. They will love you and it will make up for all of those times that people didn't. You'll understand why you should never settle for being somebody's go-to option when they have nobody else because everybody is worth more than that. You deserve to be loved and to be treated right. Wait for the people that laugh at your jokes and want to see you and miss you when you're not around. Wait for them because they are out there and if that day hasn't already come, well, it will soon. Don't worry, it will.

I have seven days left at uni before I leave this place and I'll tell you what, I'll be running out that door. I'll finally be saying goodbye to the people that don't treat me right and never have done, to the people that shouldn't even be worth my time because I'm not worth theirs, to those shallow minded people.

Instead, I'll be going back to people that do treat me right and do appreciate me and to the people that miss me when I'm away and to the people that put me first. It sounds shallow to say that I can't wait to get back to those crazies that put me first, because what everything has taught me is that you should never settle for people that would never settle for you.

Just know that you are loved and you are special.

Wanderlust

So I have this thing and it's called wanderlust. You might have heard of it.

I want to travel everywhere and see everything. I have a list of places that I want to go to and I hope that one day I will have seen them all. I'm starting this summer with the City of Light or Love (however you choose to describe it), Paris.

I want to drink up other cultures. I want to fall asleep to the sound of the sea and the sound of taxi cabs and wake up in the morning to sun streaming through the blinds and wake up in the middle of the night to see fragmented street lights through the blinds. I want to spend so long with my feet on sand that they feel strange in shoes and I want to see so much snow that it becomes the view outside of my window.
I'm going to travel and maybe I'll stay somewhere and never leave, or maybe I'll stay for a few days or months or years. I want to live abroad, that I know, but part of the excitement is not knowing where or for how long. There must be something really liberating about just packing your bags and going somewhere. I mean, that's one of the wonders of this world - that you can buy a plane ticket in an instant and go ANYWHERE.

There literally is a world of possibility out there and I don't want to miss any part of it.

This One's Down To Me Now

Knowing what you want is not something that comes easily to everybody. Although some people always know what they want, others don't and it takes a lot of thinking time and narrowing down your options to get to the root.
I, for example, never wanted to go to uni but then came across a course that got my attention and made me change my mind at the last minute. Fair enough, I then realised that that wasn't the right path for me and that's how I ended in the situation that I'm now in.
I got my current uni choice through clearing and soon discovered that again, something wasn't right with it. I have now secured a place at a different university for the next two years but now that I have, I'm not sure if that's what I want. I don't have the drive or passion for it like everybody does - I've come to a place where I don't know what I want and I'm not sure if uni even fits in that.

I started looking at uni's in the first place because that's what is expected of us now. It's just what people do. We're all expected to go whether we particularly want to or not but racking up a £40,000 debt isn't something that I believe should be taken lightly really.
I mean, I'm eventually going to get a mortgage on a house and buy a car and with uni debt's aswell, should I add to that when it's not really something that I want that much anymore.

I think I need to get inspired and make a mood board/life board like Meg Ryan does in 'The Women' because those boards always seem to end with a good outcome.
It seems to me that it's about focusing. Focusing on what I want. Not what everybody thinks or wants me to do, but what I really want because after all, it's me that is living my life and me that needs to be happy in it.

As somebody said to me a few days ago:
'Don't fucking worry about what everyone else wants you to do'

(Even with the swearing I still thinks it's a simple sentence of inspiration).

Eventually.....Maybe.

'Yeah I'll get over it eventually and maybe even really soon but that doesn't make it hurt any less right now.'

'I don't know what grey is. I never did.'

Those Ocean Blues

It's been nearly a year since I've been surfing and as the summer is approaching, I'm getting twitchier because I'm not going to the beach this year. After spending a month abroad surfing last year (and two weeks of that being at a surf camp), I really made progress with my surfing and to not go this year makes me sad and means that my progress will be put on hold. I'm going to Paris for a week instead and don't get me wrong, it's going to be fantastic and it looks wonderful and I'm so excited but it will also be the first year that I won't be spending near or on a beach so I don't quite know how that's gonna go down. I'm thinking if it's only May now, what am I going to be like in AUGUST when I SHOULD BE SURFING.

Going to the beach is such a stress reliever because it's so different from everything else. I mean, we spend all year with shoes on our feet, sticking to a schedule, being surrounded by buildings and constant noise but you go to the beach and don't wear shoes and don't wear a watch and spend four hours in the water at a time with your board and there's no buildings and then you get out of the water and collapse on the sand listening to the waves pounding (that sounds like a holiday ad doesn't it - maybe I should follow that career path in life). I love falling asleep at night being absolutely exhausted from having been pounded by the waves and the physical effort that it that it takes to surf, and for me, I don't get that feeling from anything else.
I love all of the extras that come with surfing too; I love the long days and even better, the long evenings, I love the way the sand starts to cool at about 7pm, I love the other people that love to surf, I love the smell of surfboard wax, I love my wetsuit, the weird bikini tan and I love the salt water, but mostly, I love the way that surfing makes me feel because there's no better feeling possible. It is probably the most freeing thing that you can do and to spend hours in the water with just you and the board with no other worries, but just the complete focus of catching waves is like nothing else. The sea really does set you free.

Paddling out and sitting out back waiting for sets is one of my favourite things ever - apart from that moment when you stand up and you get that rush of adrenaline surge through your body. Whether the ocean is flat and you just sit bobbing on the surface or whether the waves are pumping and you're sitting there trying to get the guts to catch a 20 foot wave (after catching ones like that, I'll tell you, I'll catch anything), that's when the love for the sport (how cringe) really kicks in.


Ah writing this makes me even sadder that I'm not even going to be putting on a bikini this year. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT GOING SURFING HOW HEARTBREAKING.

I might get my wetsuit out and just sit in it. Whilst doing shaka's. Yeah I might do that.

Although I'm going to try my hardest to sneak a few days surfing in somewhere because I can't wait for another year, that's just too long............ and the summer of twitchiness begins.
But the one thing that I can wear this summer is board shorts and man I can't wait to wear them again.

Summer is so my season.