Curveball

I wrote that last post about a month ago but couldn't bear to post it incase something changed and my heart changed. It didn't. It caused me so much upset and it consumed my every thought for weeks because I knew that our relationship wasn't right. I didn't want to let her go (yes that's right, her) and I so desperately wanted it to work out, but I reached the point when I had to value myself. She wasn't making an effort to save anything and I understood that I deserved somebody who would never stop fighting. I reached a point where all of the stress and pain that I was experiencing wasn't worth it anymore; it was turning me into something else. To put it truthfully, it was fucking me up.

I could see that she had lost interest in me, in us and I stopped crying when I realised that she probably wasn't doing the same. I have changed so much in the past year and I didn't know what I would be without her and I thought I couldn't live without her. She was my best friend.

It's strange then, considering how happy I am now. I thought I couldn't live without her, but I can and I feel better for it. I feel so much stronger for the fact that I put a stop to something that was making me miserable and I can now move onto better things and different people. It showed me how much of myself I had invested in her and it would have been fantastic, had I seen that it maybe wasn't right.

I finished it, I let us both go. I knew that she would never utter the words, so I did it for both of us. Of course, I'm seen as the bad person now and who knows if she will speak to me again but I think we both knew that it had run its course. A course of a year, in which a lot of things had changed along with us. She really drifted away for the last month or two until I didn't even recognise her anymore and failed to pull through on our joint promises to try and change the things that weren't working (a fact which she will never admit to anybody) and I began to hate her for it. I became exposed to her empty promises and her double standards and her jealousy and the way that it was always focused on her, no matter of the situation. I hated her for the way that she watched me drown and collapse under her weight that became toxic, because she had a hold on me that I could never quite understand, when she showed no signs of the same.

So that is why I'm excited to move onto new things. All of those things that she did pushed me away and she eventually saw that I wouldn't always be there and now I'm not. It pushed me to my limit and I don't miss her. As for me, I'm a perfect goddess and of course she misses me. I'm just kidding, everybody is human and I'm sure that I probably did things too.

Even though the repercussions of the break up have been difficult, I don't miss her. But I still wouldn't change a minute of our relationship or what we had. We made some great memories and shared a lot of things and for some time, bought out the best in eachother.
I have even gained a better friend because of it. My ex never treated one of our friends well and I absolutely hated it, because our friend is such a great person and she was always one of my closest friends (something that my ex always hated because she didn't particularly like her) but now that we've all separated and gone our different ways in life, we talk everyday and she has become my best friend. I lost a best friend but gained a better one. One that I know would take a bullet and because we've both gone through a similar experience, we are able to support eachother so well and I can tell you that she is a friend for life.

Even the seemingly worst circumstances can sometimes be the best. I got thrown a curveball and I managed to catch it at the right time.

Is it when.....?

How do you know when it's time to walk away? Is it when you can only see the memories of the person standing in front of you instead of the one that you're supposed to love now? Is it when all of their little things that you used to find cute aren't anymore? Is it when you no longer have the energy to fight for them? Is it when you realise that settling for normality in a world where love should be spectacular isn't good enough? Or is it when you no longer believe their promises because they're not even promises, they're empty words to try and get you to stay? Is it when you don't feel compelled to see them? Is it when you know that they will leave you by yourself and show themselves again when it suits them? Is it when you want them to feel as terrible as you do, but you know that they're not? Since when did playing games become a part of the rosta? When you both know that it has faded and burnt out but only one of you is brave enough to admit it? Is it when you can't look them in the eye when you tell them that you love them because you know that you're lying to yourself? Is it when you grow tired of the 'I'm sorry's' and the 'I love you's' and the tears because they're just a heartless attempt to get you back? Is it when you're left feeling shattered because you realise that love should never leave you like this? When their negatives replace their positives? Is it when you can't see a home in them anymore? Or when you don't have the energy to be second place anymore? Second place to the way that they love themself? Maybe it's when you don't believe them anymore?

But maybe it's all just when you grow tired. Tired of knowing that playing your heart out so much isn't the way it should be.
As Taylor Swift says, 'Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right' and now is the time that I understand it.

Take It All

Sometimes people take more of you than you want. Sometimes they take so much that you will never quite be the same as you were before. There's a piece of you that will never return because they have it and they won't be giving it back. I used to think that this was a good thing; one of those cute 'I have your heart' things, but when they won't give you a piece of them in return, is that good? Is it good to crave something that they won't let you have? When they're not around and it's you that is trying to see yourself again, is that really good, knowing that they won't be doing the same? When you keep trying to energise your soul after they have run it dry, how long can you go on for?

They have taken more of you than you initially bargained for and you'll never be the same. They make you more aware of what you want and what you don't and that sometimes things or situations or people aren't always what they seem, it makes you more aware. That is good though because it helps us to learn; to learn how long we should continue with something that isn't right. It teaches us to value ourselves.

Sometimes people take more of you than you want. Sometimes they take so much that you will never quite be the same again. Sometimes that's ok. Sometimes you need something like this to really value yourself.