What are you now: flames or glowing embers?
Right now, at this particular moment, i'm glowing embers. I wish that I could be fiery, crackling flames all of the time but it always depends on the people that you surround yourself with. 3 days ago I was the fire. My flames rose so tall that they weren't backing down, simply because I was with the right people. But over the last three days those flames have slowly shortened so that i'm a little fire. I'm the glowing embers at the end of a fire when the occasional flame manages to escape.
It's strange to think that only three days ago I was the fire. But....... because i'm the embers, the fire has to start again and so it will in 14 days.
Wednesday 19 March 2014
Friday 7 March 2014
Black, Red and Green
Ok, so I've never been a jealous person before. Never in my life have I been a jealous person. But for the last six months I have been and I absolutely hate it. It's all been a new experience for me and I hate what jealousy does to me. It literally does turn me black, red and green. Black and red are associated with anger and red and green are associated with jealousy. The problem with jealousy is that I don't just become jealous but I get excessively angry too. It's reached its peach this week with H being in New York because it's not so much that she's in New York, but who she's there with.
I can't remember if I've told you before, but H is doing an art pre-foundation year in between A Levels and uni and through doing that, she's become friends with T. And T just forced her way in and invited herself to everything that me and H and our other friends do together - you know you have things that just you and your friends do and have always done? Well T decided that she'd like to get in on that didn't she. As you can tell, I have never liked her because it seems as if she's actively trying to take my friends (especially H) away from me. E also goes to college with T, and even she doesn't like her so at least I'm not the only one. I have tried to like T. Trust me when I say that. I'm pleased for H that she's got a new friend whilst I'm here at uni, but the fact that I wish it was me never goes away. After 7 months, I had finally started to almost quite like T and not have a problem with this whole thing and it didn't even really bother me anymore. Which for me and how it made me feel, was real progress. A 'let's celebrate this progress' progress.
But after seeing a constant stream of pictures from New York for the last five days, the black, red and green finally hit me today. It had been building up in me for the last five days and all it took was for one more thing to absolutely get me caught. It wasn't even jealousy anymore, it was anger instead. I think the anger is worse. But it wasn't just a slightly annoyed about it thing; it was shaking hands, hot streaming tears, ending in a heap on the floor and I even threw my phone across the room several times. In which it hit the door....several times.
I'm not proud of all of this. Honestly I'm not. I hate that I'm like this. But the thing that makes me feel even more guilty than I already do, is that H doesn't feel jealous about me and my new friends here and she's admitted that to me. I would feel a bit better if she felt jealous about me but she doesn't. People say that that's because she's so sure and certain of our friendship so she doesn't need to feel guilty about it. Whereas with me, it's not that I don't feel certain and secure about it because I completely trust her in our friendship, it's just T that I don't trust. She does everything so brutally and thoughtlessly that she could easily string H along with her ways and H wouldn't realise what was happening. (H is a bit oblivious to things sometimes).
*twenty minutes and one huge vent over*
Maybe some of you have experienced this and know how horrible it is to see it happen and if it's happening to you right now too....... Breathe. Maybe it's not as bad as it looks.
And when it comes to life, if in doubt, just breathe.
I can't remember if I've told you before, but H is doing an art pre-foundation year in between A Levels and uni and through doing that, she's become friends with T. And T just forced her way in and invited herself to everything that me and H and our other friends do together - you know you have things that just you and your friends do and have always done? Well T decided that she'd like to get in on that didn't she. As you can tell, I have never liked her because it seems as if she's actively trying to take my friends (especially H) away from me. E also goes to college with T, and even she doesn't like her so at least I'm not the only one. I have tried to like T. Trust me when I say that. I'm pleased for H that she's got a new friend whilst I'm here at uni, but the fact that I wish it was me never goes away. After 7 months, I had finally started to almost quite like T and not have a problem with this whole thing and it didn't even really bother me anymore. Which for me and how it made me feel, was real progress. A 'let's celebrate this progress' progress.
But after seeing a constant stream of pictures from New York for the last five days, the black, red and green finally hit me today. It had been building up in me for the last five days and all it took was for one more thing to absolutely get me caught. It wasn't even jealousy anymore, it was anger instead. I think the anger is worse. But it wasn't just a slightly annoyed about it thing; it was shaking hands, hot streaming tears, ending in a heap on the floor and I even threw my phone across the room several times. In which it hit the door....several times.
I'm not proud of all of this. Honestly I'm not. I hate that I'm like this. But the thing that makes me feel even more guilty than I already do, is that H doesn't feel jealous about me and my new friends here and she's admitted that to me. I would feel a bit better if she felt jealous about me but she doesn't. People say that that's because she's so sure and certain of our friendship so she doesn't need to feel guilty about it. Whereas with me, it's not that I don't feel certain and secure about it because I completely trust her in our friendship, it's just T that I don't trust. She does everything so brutally and thoughtlessly that she could easily string H along with her ways and H wouldn't realise what was happening. (H is a bit oblivious to things sometimes).
*twenty minutes and one huge vent over*
Maybe some of you have experienced this and know how horrible it is to see it happen and if it's happening to you right now too....... Breathe. Maybe it's not as bad as it looks.
And when it comes to life, if in doubt, just breathe.
Thursday 6 March 2014
#WeAreWinter
I hope you all enjoyed the winter Olympics and that even if it's not your normal thing, that you watched it anyway because you only get that kind of winter action every 4 years!
Snowboarding is my thing and I was so excited about slopestyle being the new event of the games because I love the freedom and creativity of it - it's so awesome that it should come with its own soundtrack. I was supporting Jenny Jones (AKA 'The Jones') and Aimee Fuller and I thought that they both had a good chance of a podium, especially The Jones, I mean she's had 20 years of experience in slopestyle so to reckon that she has no chance would have been ridiculous. Most people that I spoke to about it didn't have Jenny figured on their radars, but I smugly knew that she would pull through. Oh yeah, my friend knows her. How awesome is that? So you can only imagine my excitement when she got a bronze - cue crazy fist pumping. Afterall, she's worked hard enough for it over the years and it would probably be her last chance to qualify for the Olympics considering that she's in her 30's, so she's practically ancient compared to all the 18 year olds out there. Sorry Jenny.
I was surprised about Aimee Fuller though. She's always been at the forefront of slopestyle too, so to see her crash out on her last run was reaaaaaaaaally disappointing.
Sarka Pancochova, a Czech rider, also had the gnarliest crash and split her helmet in TWO. I was cringing the whole time because she just bounced all the way down like a rag doll and was lucky not to have broken her neck, but then she just casually got up and finished the run. As you do. So always wear a lid kids!
The ice hockey was also something that I was really into. I've always wanted to try it and watching it just made me want to try it LIKE CRAZY. I'm not Canadian, but I have to say, I was backing Canada all the way. Their motto was for the games (and especially the hockey) was #WeAreWinter and it really caught on with everybody. The USA/Canada match was so tense it was unreal. I was going out that night and was watching it right until the last minute and left myself the shortest amount of time possible to get ready because it was SUCH A GOOD MATCH! I felt like an honorary Canadian for a couple of hours and I'm sure that if they knew that, they'd be so stoked about it and let me move there no questions asked. You can thank me later Canada.
The winter Paralympics start tomorrow, so I hope that's on your watch list too. Enjoy!
Snowboarding is my thing and I was so excited about slopestyle being the new event of the games because I love the freedom and creativity of it - it's so awesome that it should come with its own soundtrack. I was supporting Jenny Jones (AKA 'The Jones') and Aimee Fuller and I thought that they both had a good chance of a podium, especially The Jones, I mean she's had 20 years of experience in slopestyle so to reckon that she has no chance would have been ridiculous. Most people that I spoke to about it didn't have Jenny figured on their radars, but I smugly knew that she would pull through. Oh yeah, my friend knows her. How awesome is that? So you can only imagine my excitement when she got a bronze - cue crazy fist pumping. Afterall, she's worked hard enough for it over the years and it would probably be her last chance to qualify for the Olympics considering that she's in her 30's, so she's practically ancient compared to all the 18 year olds out there. Sorry Jenny.
I was surprised about Aimee Fuller though. She's always been at the forefront of slopestyle too, so to see her crash out on her last run was reaaaaaaaaally disappointing.
Sarka Pancochova, a Czech rider, also had the gnarliest crash and split her helmet in TWO. I was cringing the whole time because she just bounced all the way down like a rag doll and was lucky not to have broken her neck, but then she just casually got up and finished the run. As you do. So always wear a lid kids!
The ice hockey was also something that I was really into. I've always wanted to try it and watching it just made me want to try it LIKE CRAZY. I'm not Canadian, but I have to say, I was backing Canada all the way. Their motto was for the games (and especially the hockey) was #WeAreWinter and it really caught on with everybody. The USA/Canada match was so tense it was unreal. I was going out that night and was watching it right until the last minute and left myself the shortest amount of time possible to get ready because it was SUCH A GOOD MATCH! I felt like an honorary Canadian for a couple of hours and I'm sure that if they knew that, they'd be so stoked about it and let me move there no questions asked. You can thank me later Canada.
The winter Paralympics start tomorrow, so I hope that's on your watch list too. Enjoy!
This also unfortunately happened to Anna Gasser during one of her runs and it's such an awkward/embarrassing/ funny moment. Shame on you if you missed it.
Monday 3 March 2014
On +5 Hours Time
Well H has flown to New York today. NEW YORK. So obviously I hate her. Her flight was delayed by 5 hours, so because of that and the 5 hours time difference, she'll get to New York at about 11pm but 6pm USA time and you don't really think about the time difference until something like that occurs to you.
I can't believe it though, she'll be in the City of Dreams whilst I'm going to lectures and doing work. Hhmm, that kinda sucks. It's about -5 and snowing there at the moment; as if New York isn't beautiful enough anyway. Can you imagine Times Square lit up at night with snow falling? Oh my, the beauty. I've never been to NY as you can probably guess from my innocent ideas about it, but I wonder if it really is as magical as it seems in films. I know that there's some really dodgy parts but I'm talking about the center of the city. Manhattan. Ah I've been trying not to think about it actually because then I just get way too jealous and wish I was there. Obviously I couldn't be more stoked for her that she is going to New York, it's just you never really want somebody to be livin' it up in America whilst you're in a tiny rainy town somewhere. Although she said she'll bring me presents back, so I like her a bit more because of that.
So let's all hope she doesn't have too much fun shall we?
'You say good morning when it's midnight' - this time difference is really gonna mess up my brain.
I can't believe it though, she'll be in the City of Dreams whilst I'm going to lectures and doing work. Hhmm, that kinda sucks. It's about -5 and snowing there at the moment; as if New York isn't beautiful enough anyway. Can you imagine Times Square lit up at night with snow falling? Oh my, the beauty. I've never been to NY as you can probably guess from my innocent ideas about it, but I wonder if it really is as magical as it seems in films. I know that there's some really dodgy parts but I'm talking about the center of the city. Manhattan. Ah I've been trying not to think about it actually because then I just get way too jealous and wish I was there. Obviously I couldn't be more stoked for her that she is going to New York, it's just you never really want somebody to be livin' it up in America whilst you're in a tiny rainy town somewhere. Although she said she'll bring me presents back, so I like her a bit more because of that.
So let's all hope she doesn't have too much fun shall we?
'You say good morning when it's midnight' - this time difference is really gonna mess up my brain.
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