Tuesday, 3 January 2017

The Exquisite Pain

Carrie Bradshaw once said, "was I addicted to the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable?"

I think the answer for Carrie was a definite yes and the answer for me is also a yes. It is something for which there is no control over and perhaps that is where the pain is. We have absolutely no control over it, even though we know it is useless to feel the way that we do. But something keeps us there because there is something kind of powerful in wanting somebody that is not yours and may not be. It makes you feel desperate. It is the silence when your friends ask you if there is anybody. Only the somebody that they all see as just that, a friend, but who you see as the person that you would like to fall asleep next to at night.

For me, things have always eventually worked out when it comes to people. So it leaves me feeling hopeless knowing that there is little chance that it will work out. Perhaps that's the pain and the definition of the unattainable.
She has a girlfriend, little does she know that I liked her long before her girlfriend was even on the cards. Now that is hopeless.

But what, at times, makes me believe that perhaps there is a little glimmer of possibility? The fact that she acts as if she likes me back. She does more than a friend would do. She rests her arm on my leg as she reaches across me, she puts her hand on my chest when she talks to me, she tells me she loves me, she puts her arm around me. She makes herself reachable then draws herself back in.

The exquisite pain of the days that follow, knowing that if she would let herself stay within reach, I could treat her better and care for her more than she would ever guess.