Ok, so I've never been a jealous person before. Never in my life have I been a jealous person. But for the last six months I have been and I absolutely hate it. It's all been a new experience for me and I hate what jealousy does to me. It literally does turn me black, red and green. Black and red are associated with anger and red and green are associated with jealousy. The problem with jealousy is that I don't just become jealous but I get excessively angry too. It's reached its peach this week with H being in New York because it's not so much that she's in New York, but who she's there with.
I can't remember if I've told you before, but H is doing an art pre-foundation year in between A Levels and uni and through doing that, she's become friends with T. And T just forced her way in and invited herself to everything that me and H and our other friends do together - you know you have things that just you and your friends do and have always done? Well T decided that she'd like to get in on that didn't she. As you can tell, I have never liked her because it seems as if she's actively trying to take my friends (especially H) away from me. E also goes to college with T, and even she doesn't like her so at least I'm not the only one. I have tried to like T. Trust me when I say that. I'm pleased for H that she's got a new friend whilst I'm here at uni, but the fact that I wish it was me never goes away. After 7 months, I had finally started to almost quite like T and not have a problem with this whole thing and it didn't even really bother me anymore. Which for me and how it made me feel, was real progress. A 'let's celebrate this progress' progress.
But after seeing a constant stream of pictures from New York for the last five days, the black, red and green finally hit me today. It had been building up in me for the last five days and all it took was for one more thing to absolutely get me caught. It wasn't even jealousy anymore, it was anger instead. I think the anger is worse. But it wasn't just a slightly annoyed about it thing; it was shaking hands, hot streaming tears, ending in a heap on the floor and I even threw my phone across the room several times. In which it hit the door....several times.
I'm not proud of all of this. Honestly I'm not. I hate that I'm like this. But the thing that makes me feel even more guilty than I already do, is that H doesn't feel jealous about me and my new friends here and she's admitted that to me. I would feel a bit better if she felt jealous about me but she doesn't. People say that that's because she's so sure and certain of our friendship so she doesn't need to feel guilty about it. Whereas with me, it's not that I don't feel certain and secure about it because I completely trust her in our friendship, it's just T that I don't trust. She does everything so brutally and thoughtlessly that she could easily string H along with her ways and H wouldn't realise what was happening. (H is a bit oblivious to things sometimes).
*twenty minutes and one huge vent over*
Maybe some of you have experienced this and know how horrible it is to see it happen and if it's happening to you right now too....... Breathe. Maybe it's not as bad as it looks.
And when it comes to life, if in doubt, just breathe.