Change Your Own Game

The last four months have been a game changer for me. They have been genuinely fantastic.
As somebody who spent a year being so unhappy, I can't tell you how important it is to make yourself happy. If you don't like the way that something is, change it and you will feel like a weight has been lifted. I have learnt that taking control of my own life is what leads to happiness and that way, you will learn to not only value yourself but also that it is the only way forward. Once you get a taste of it, you won't put up with anything toxic again and that is the way that it should be. Create the life that you want and make it so good that it keeps you awake at night, because you're too damn happy to sleep.

I have surrounded myself with people that only lift me up and as a single pringle, I am enjoying it. Sure I get days when it gets me a bit down and I know how nice it would be to have somebody, but I have come to realise that I don't need anybody to complete me. I complete me. Somebody should make you better. You shouldn't become reliant on somebody to complete you because you are all you need, you are completed, somebody else is just there to make things that bit better.

I'm enjoying being by myself and when the time is right, somebody will come along. You can't force love, love happens on its own and when *huge cliche coming up* you least expect it (it sounds stupid, but that's really how it works). All of the good relationships happen organically (whether that's friendship or romance) and if you have to force it, then it ain't right. When it's the right person they will text you back, they will make an effort to see you and most of all, you won't have to guess where you stand with them because you will know, so don't force anything and don't make yourself unhappy trying to find it, because it will find you. 

So for now, enjoy being by yourself and if you have somebody, then lucky you, congrats, nice one, keep going! But if you don't then just love yourself. That's not an easy ask and that takes time, but that too, will happen, so for the meantime, work on

loving yourself like you're not waiting for somebody else to do it

and

instead of looking for the light, become it instead.

It's Not Just Another One

It may just be Monday but it's not just another Monday. It's a day that has never been lived by you or by anybody else and it will be what you decide it will be. Possibilities and chances are waiting for you to take them and whether that is the chance of starting an essay a day earlier than you were planning or texting an old friend or trying a new sport or finding a new song that you love or relaxing in that bubble bath that you've been craving for the last week, it doesn't matter what it is and it doesn't matter how tiny it is, but you can take on this day like there's nothing stopping you. If you only do one little thing that makes today a bit different, nice one.

So if you've already done Monday or you're partly through it or you're just waking up to it, maybe it won't be so bad afterall.

Inconsequential

'You always hear about the broken heart but what about the one who broke it?'

Fall outs are a one sided thing. The person that got their heart broken last is seen as the victim; the one that apparently didn't see it coming and was helpless in the matter. But what about the person that had their heart broken first? Are they ignored because they are not as important? Although when you look closely, it's exactly the same thing but the other way around. We're the ones that spend months pretending that everything is fine, when in reality the person that we're looking at has already broken our heart. We are seen as the bad people because we choose to end the thing that is destroying us and yet, the fact that we have already had our heart broken is inconsequential. The person that hates us, months later, for breaking their heart, never has to endure the backlash of hatred, even though in reality, they are the ones that should suffer it too. Relationships are afterall, a two way thing and both are responsible for the things that happen.
What about the person that broke our heart first? What is so wrong with society that it ignores this and they become the victims, when we were so much longer before. It is seen as a selfish thing to put an end to the thing that is constantly hurting you when it is going to hurt somebody else, even though they hurt you first. I'm still hurting though. We all are.



I had 'The End Where I Begin' by The Script on repeat for weeks.

Curveball

I wrote that last post about a month ago but couldn't bear to post it incase something changed and my heart changed. It didn't. It caused me so much upset and it consumed my every thought for weeks because I knew that our relationship wasn't right. I didn't want to let her go (yes that's right, her) and I so desperately wanted it to work out, but I reached the point when I had to value myself. She wasn't making an effort to save anything and I understood that I deserved somebody who would never stop fighting. I reached a point where all of the stress and pain that I was experiencing wasn't worth it anymore; it was turning me into something else. To put it truthfully, it was fucking me up.

I could see that she had lost interest in me, in us and I stopped crying when I realised that she probably wasn't doing the same. I have changed so much in the past year and I didn't know what I would be without her and I thought I couldn't live without her. She was my best friend.

It's strange then, considering how happy I am now. I thought I couldn't live without her, but I can and I feel better for it. I feel so much stronger for the fact that I put a stop to something that was making me miserable and I can now move onto better things and different people. It showed me how much of myself I had invested in her and it would have been fantastic, had I seen that it maybe wasn't right.

I finished it, I let us both go. I knew that she would never utter the words, so I did it for both of us. Of course, I'm seen as the bad person now and who knows if she will speak to me again but I think we both knew that it had run its course. A course of a year, in which a lot of things had changed along with us. She really drifted away for the last month or two until I didn't even recognise her anymore and failed to pull through on our joint promises to try and change the things that weren't working (a fact which she will never admit to anybody) and I began to hate her for it. I became exposed to her empty promises and her double standards and her jealousy and the way that it was always focused on her, no matter of the situation. I hated her for the way that she watched me drown and collapse under her weight that became toxic, because she had a hold on me that I could never quite understand, when she showed no signs of the same.

So that is why I'm excited to move onto new things. All of those things that she did pushed me away and she eventually saw that I wouldn't always be there and now I'm not. It pushed me to my limit and I don't miss her. As for me, I'm a perfect goddess and of course she misses me. I'm just kidding, everybody is human and I'm sure that I probably did things too.

Even though the repercussions of the break up have been difficult, I don't miss her. But I still wouldn't change a minute of our relationship or what we had. We made some great memories and shared a lot of things and for some time, bought out the best in eachother.
I have even gained a better friend because of it. My ex never treated one of our friends well and I absolutely hated it, because our friend is such a great person and she was always one of my closest friends (something that my ex always hated because she didn't particularly like her) but now that we've all separated and gone our different ways in life, we talk everyday and she has become my best friend. I lost a best friend but gained a better one. One that I know would take a bullet and because we've both gone through a similar experience, we are able to support eachother so well and I can tell you that she is a friend for life.

Even the seemingly worst circumstances can sometimes be the best. I got thrown a curveball and I managed to catch it at the right time.

Is it when.....?

How do you know when it's time to walk away? Is it when you can only see the memories of the person standing in front of you instead of the one that you're supposed to love now? Is it when all of their little things that you used to find cute aren't anymore? Is it when you no longer have the energy to fight for them? Is it when you realise that settling for normality in a world where love should be spectacular isn't good enough? Or is it when you no longer believe their promises because they're not even promises, they're empty words to try and get you to stay? Is it when you don't feel compelled to see them? Is it when you know that they will leave you by yourself and show themselves again when it suits them? Is it when you want them to feel as terrible as you do, but you know that they're not? Since when did playing games become a part of the rosta? When you both know that it has faded and burnt out but only one of you is brave enough to admit it? Is it when you can't look them in the eye when you tell them that you love them because you know that you're lying to yourself? Is it when you grow tired of the 'I'm sorry's' and the 'I love you's' and the tears because they're just a heartless attempt to get you back? Is it when you're left feeling shattered because you realise that love should never leave you like this? When their negatives replace their positives? Is it when you can't see a home in them anymore? Or when you don't have the energy to be second place anymore? Second place to the way that they love themself? Maybe it's when you don't believe them anymore?

But maybe it's all just when you grow tired. Tired of knowing that playing your heart out so much isn't the way it should be.
As Taylor Swift says, 'Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right' and now is the time that I understand it.

Take It All

Sometimes people take more of you than you want. Sometimes they take so much that you will never quite be the same as you were before. There's a piece of you that will never return because they have it and they won't be giving it back. I used to think that this was a good thing; one of those cute 'I have your heart' things, but when they won't give you a piece of them in return, is that good? Is it good to crave something that they won't let you have? When they're not around and it's you that is trying to see yourself again, is that really good, knowing that they won't be doing the same? When you keep trying to energise your soul after they have run it dry, how long can you go on for?

They have taken more of you than you initially bargained for and you'll never be the same. They make you more aware of what you want and what you don't and that sometimes things or situations or people aren't always what they seem, it makes you more aware. That is good though because it helps us to learn; to learn how long we should continue with something that isn't right. It teaches us to value ourselves.

Sometimes people take more of you than you want. Sometimes they take so much that you will never quite be the same again. Sometimes that's ok. Sometimes you need something like this to really value yourself.

Hopeless?

How do you fix something that's already broken?