afterglow

Writing this on my typewriter somehow seemed to back up everything that I mentioned in this piece because I love the process of using a typewriter as it takes me back to the basics.

I also ran out of ink halfway through and stained my fingers black with ink whilst changing the ribbon and it made me smile.

Expectations

Can we just take a moment to appreciate what a babe Hayley Kiyoko is and what a sheer masterpiece her album Expectations is. I discovered her after gifs from What I Need featuring Kehlani circled round Tumblr, so after that I was straight onto her Youtube channel and that is where my Hayley Kiyoko journey began (although I now realise that I had been reblogging pictures of her for months without even knowing).

After a day of listening to the same four songs for six hours I knew that I couldn't let another minute pass without buying her album and let me just tell you, it is the best album I have bought in YEARS. She says that she wants it to be listened to in order from beginning to end as intended and honestly, if you only do that for this album, do it because the flow from one track to another is insane. Every time I listen another song becomes my favourite until I realise that every song is actually my favourite and I'm listening to it for the fourth time in a day. When I first listened to it I thought that some of the songs sounded familiar even though I hadn't heard any of them before and I think that is the mark of a truly great artist. It feels like the music that my soul has been waiting for.

It's a therapeutic, sexy, memorable album that has not left me the same. I've always been of the opinion that lyrics are way more important than melody but that's only because I had never come across an artist that blends the two so seamlessly that the lyrics speak for the melody and vice versa. Her lyrics don't just make it raw and exposed and energetic and sexy, her voice does and she writes the kind of lyrics that you want to tattoo all over your body. She's called lesbian Jesus for a reason.

I genuinely cannot do Expectations enough justice by writing about it because no words will sum up how FREAKING AMAZING this album is. Also each of her videos are like an individual film, you've got to watch those. And her dancing is where it's at and she's so cool and funny and I want her to be my wife....ok finishing this up now.

I'm Fine...And Other Lies

I have been a fan of Whitney Cummings for a long time now (Whitney was one of the best shows to ever air, I will forever stand BY THAT) so when I heard that she was releasing a book I got on that quicker than you would know.

It's labelled as a "self-help" book but this is not the patronising and frumpy kind of book that springs to mind; it is the type of self help book that you would imagine her to write because it is everything and so much more. She ends the introduction with the statement 'I straight-up want this book to change your life' and I gotta say, it actually kinda did.

To read stories from Whitney's life that have impacted her and to then get an insight into the way her brain works, not only makes you think, hey I can kinda relate to that but also, no matter the person, everybody has a thing about themselves that isn't so great. It totally normalises everything, I mean she is a kick-ass comedian, actress, co-creator of shows and now a director and yet she struggles with all the things that we normal folk do.

She talks about the way that she has rewired her brain to prevent herself being attracted to toxic men, spotting red flags in people and not ignoring them and realising that crying is ok and actually helps to heal. Reading this made me think that I could benefit from doing that. Rewiring my brain to think about things differently could hugely benefit me.

For example, one of the things that really stuck out was when she said that (and I thought I was the only person that does this due to monumental overthinking so to know that I have a comrade in this is comforting) she will agree to a plan and then immediately think I don't want to actually do that, why did I say yes and then worry about it for the next week. Now, I have an annoying habit of doing that a lot but Whitney reassured me that it is totally ok to decline at the time, for which she even provides a few coverall phrases and you don't have to feel bad about it because there is no reason to. I mean, if 'turns out it's kind of my dream to be left out of doing things I don't want to do' isn't relatable I don't know what is. This changed the way I think about things.

The other big thing that I'm working on getting those little neural wires to think differently about is toxic people. This is quite difficult from the get go because I genuinely seem to attract girls that treat me badly and mess me around because I'm 'too nice' (sidenote: since when is being too nice a bad thing, think I missed the memo on that one). I am now spotting red flags and saying no thanks, I can do without this is my life before I find myself with a girl that doesn't actually appreciate me or quite frankly respect me. I would often gloss over red flags and make excuses for people (as Whitney did, hey look we've got some stuff in common) rather than actually being like hey your behaviour is the exception to every other person, what are you doing?
And yes Whitney, I now realise that getting a phonecall from your partner for a chat is what should happen in a relationship and is not a point of praise because it is NORMAL. Thanks for bringing that up because I would always say look isn't she nice, she called me until I realised that I shouldn't have to congratulate them for this.

So it is pretty safe to say that I absolutely ate up this book and everything in it (I mean I read it in four days). To get a relatable point of view on things from somebody like Whitney who has written about them in such a chatty and personal way made me want to rewire my brain even more because she just felt like a comforting and positive friend saying 'hey, let's do this together'.

Whitney, I think your book did actually change my life.

It's Not A Lot But It Is Everything

In a reply the other day, my sister said, "well I'm not feeling incredible" and that got me thinking about the last time that I felt incredible. I can pin point it. Although it is not a specific moment in time, but more, multiple moments.
The last time that I felt truly incredible was a stretch of time. My semester in California left me waking up every morning thinking, let's do this. I have, of course, had times of incredible since then. The Lady Antebellum concert got me up there, or when I skated with a bunch of rad girls at the skatepark and did my first bottom turn when I was surfing and when I went rollerskating with my friends. But my time in America was a time when I felt incredible for a very long stretch of time.

I was going to school and for most people, that's enough to conjure up feelings of anxiety. I didn't have much but that was all I needed. Put simply, I was going to class and doing stuff in my free time, but to me it was so much more. It was everything. To me it was a life that I had not experienced before.
It was going to Chipotle on a Wednesday night and having the car bass pounding on the way back, it was last minute plans to go and watch a movie every Friday and skipping class to go paddleboarding and going to get pie at 9AM somewhere an hour away just because, with a stop at the beach on the way back and camping on the weekends and two baseball games within a week of eachother and gathering with a cup of tea on a Wednesday night at 11 to watch American Horror Story.

I found happiness in spontaneous trips to Jack in the Box and Starbucks and Target and the garage to get tires rotated and wearing a cap to class and sunsets and the chill of the evening air when coming out of the gym and watching the fog roll up the street.

I was truly content and the happiest that I could fathom. That was two years ago and since then, I have been chasing that feeling. I have been chasing the feeling of being in love with my life. Don't get me wrong, I am happy now but I still want the feeling that I had back then of,
"...You will go from standing in the shower thinking "God what if this is for the rest of my life" to "God, I hope this is for the rest of my life."" (niasvn).

The Malibu Sessions

I've always been a huge fan of Colbie Caillat and the way that her music fits any mood, any scenario, any time. Don't know what you feel like listening to? Stick some Colbie on, trust me. I also love her for the fact that as a Californian she represents everything I love about the state and her music projects that, in fact, her newest album, The Malibu Sessions, epitomises it.  My mum even calls her 'the Malibu girl', clearly she has that association too.

As somebody who finally got to go to Malibu last year, all I can say is that I wish she had released the album a few months earlier so that I could have burnt a hole in everybody's ears from my incessant playing of it whilst driving down the PCH. 

It really does have the whole Cali beach vibe going on and it's clear that she loves her life and the man in it and it has been the soundtrack to my life since its release last October. I have genuinely played it nearly every day since then and if that doesn't say something about the album then I don't know what does.

Gypsy Heart is the album opener and one of my faves; my foot is always tapping before I even realise what is happening. It is such an infectious song and makes you want to run down a beach in slow motion with your loved one, sun on your face, your mouth wide as you think 'how did it get this good?'. One of those songs, you know. 

Cruisin' has definitely been a grower for me. For months it was a song that I was indifferent to until I actually listened to the lyrics and now it is easily one of my favourites on the album. Her voice is absolute perfection and it just sounds so stripped down and simple. I can't believe that it took me so long to love and appreciate this song because now I can't rave about it enough.

Next on my faves list is Only You. I knew that I was going to love it simply from the first line:

'I'm kind of obsessed with how you're obsessed with making me feel like nobody else cause nobody makes me feel like you do', but it's not just the lyrics, it's the way that she sings it with an awestruck tone, as if she can't believe that she has ended up with this person and it's quite frankly adorable.

Also the line,

'you drink me up, you take me with no salt or lime' is genius and one of the best metaphors to probably exist (also as a bartender it helps me to decide what to serve with tequila because the lemon or lime controversy is apparently very much alive).

Ok, last one here we go. Cancel out all noises around you, lie on your bed, stare at the ceiling and listen to Never Got Away all the way through once and I really hope you love it like I do. As track eight it's not one that you hear regularly but when you do you're just like yes this is an awesome song. It's a traditional Colbie ballad that she always plants as one of the final songs on her albums and it does not disappoint. 

Definitely one of my favourite ever albums and it will be accompanying me on many roadtrips to come, even if that's not through Malibu. 

What About the Landing?

Lady Antebellum say it quite well with the line, 'scared of love but scared of life alone'. Nothing has ever been so relatable to be honest. I am stuck in this limbo and think I have been for quite a while now.

I'm a hopeless romantic and I want the fairytale, but I think this is where my problem stems from. I want the fairytale so much that the thought of entering into anything strikes fear into me, incase it doesn't match my daydreams. It seems to be getting worse. I just can't cross that line and actually start anything.
I have been hurt in the past and that definitely has something to do with it too. You see, it's harder to be hurt by yourself and easier to forgive, whereas it's easier to be hurt by someone else and harder to forgive. I am happy on my own; I have always enjoyed my own company and am at the point where I don't need anybody to make me happy because I can do it myself. I am very aware of this fact, sometimes too aware, because it is part of my reasoning for staying single. I have always been a guarded and private person and am selective as to who I let in. I keep myself protected and this is the main reason for staying single - self protection.

I am happy being on my own but am becoming tired of it. That seems like an oxymoron and it totally is. What I'm trying to say is that I can keep myself happy and strong but it would be nice to not always have to be so strong; to be vulnerable and put that power into somebody else's hands. It's been almost a year now and I think I'd like that to change sometime soon. But I guess in order to do that, I have to let go, leave it be and let myself feel things. I guess sometimes you just have to fall and see where you land.

The Exquisite Pain

Carrie Bradshaw once said, "was I addicted to the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable?"

I think the answer for Carrie was a definite yes and the answer for me is also a yes. It is something for which there is no control over and perhaps that is where the pain is. We have absolutely no control over it, even though we know it is useless to feel the way that we do. But something keeps us there because there is something kind of powerful in wanting somebody that is not yours and may not be. It makes you feel desperate. It is the silence when your friends ask you if there is anybody. Only the somebody that they all see as just that, a friend, but who you see as the person that you would like to fall asleep next to at night.

For me, things have always eventually worked out when it comes to people. So it leaves me feeling hopeless knowing that there is little chance that it will work out. Perhaps that's the pain and the definition of the unattainable.
She has a girlfriend, little does she know that I liked her long before her girlfriend was even on the cards. Now that is hopeless.

But what, at times, makes me believe that perhaps there is a little glimmer of possibility? The fact that she acts as if she likes me back. She does more than a friend would do. She rests her arm on my leg as she reaches across me, she puts her hand on my chest when she talks to me, she tells me she loves me, she puts her arm around me. She makes herself reachable then draws herself back in.

The exquisite pain of the days that follow, knowing that if she would let herself stay within reach, I could treat her better and care for her more than she would ever guess.