Who's That Girl?

A few days ago I did a catwalk show for H. As she's doing an art pre-foundation course at the moment (actually that's not true because she's finished it now) and studying fashion, she needed a model to style the clothes that she's made throughout the year. There was four of them so that meant four clothing changes at breakneck speed in between each walk and speedy it was.

The huge changing room was in a different warehouse to where the fashion show was taking place so as I was running from the catwalk to the other warehouse, I was also trying to take off as many things on the way, in preparation for the twenty second turn around (which is quite hard in heels).
The catwalk was long and on a few occasions we had to walk up and down it twice, which at first struck me with fear because I had never been so nervous about walking in all my life, but as soon as we had done the dress rehearsal before everybody arrived, I wasn't that nervous anymore but just fired up.

It is such a unique feeling that can perhaps only be described if you have done it. I, at first, felt a lot of responsibility to model the clothes that she has been working on throughout the year, as it's almost like giving someone who has no knowledge about something, a pen and asking them to take the exam in your name.
Although, as I gained the useful skill of walking quite a long time ago, I knew that I would be ok; I had also been practicing my fierce walk up and down the hallway in my uni flat when everybody was asleep at 3am for MONTHS. I was taking this shit seriously.

It was such a buzz to have the entire audience looking at me. As a girl that was once a tomboy and always compared to her hotter sister, this was exactly what I needed. I used to be the insecurest person possible when it came to my body and was used to blending in, but over the past year, I have overcome this and am confident on a whole new level. But still, to have people taking my picture (including the PRESS) and clapping as I walked out will be something that I will never forget. It was a big deal for me and as I was powering down that catwalk, I thought to myself, who was that insecure girl that I knew a year ago because if she could see what she would be doing, then maybe she wouldn't have been so uncomfortable about her body. A year ago, I wouldn't have even changed in that huge room with everybody, but I stood there in my underwear without a care in the world and I felt so proud of myself.
So if you are like I was, then please believe me when I say that you are beautiful right now and that appreciating your body for how it is and understanding that no two people look the same will help you to overcome this and to love your body. Don't worry about confidence right now, that will come and soon you won't even have to think about it.

Some people hated the twenty second clothing changes, but I loved it. That too was a massive adrenaline rush and I loved every second of the show.

I walked off the runway for the final time and all I could do was jump up and down and wish that it would happen again because I really did enjoy it.
Maybe I've found a new career path?! Well who knows.

Concussed

Well, it's been a while. I've had a concussion and the doctor told me 'not to think' (not even joking) in order for my brain to stop swelling and return to its normal size - so blame him, not me. That makes sense I guess, because it is still just another muscle and not using it actually works and it has basically gone now which is great because I wasn't allowed to drink alcohol either. And that, coincidentally, is how I got the concussion.

It was my last night out at uni and after me and my flatmate had had some drinks, he randomly picked me up and ran with me around the flat in a fireman's carry - of which I was more concerned about flashing my butt to everybody due to my skirt than the fact that I was being paraded head first, AT SPEED, up and down the narrow corridors - and as he stopped in a doorway casually having a chat to one of our flatmates with me over his shoulder, he then swung round which resulted in me banging my head on the door frame.

Although me being slightly...... I won't say drunk because that gives you a bad idea of me..... but yes, drunk, I didn't feel the pain and it was only in the next few days and particularly the day after, that I realised that it wasn't a little bang on the head. I went to the hospital a week later even though I had spent that week panicking that I was actually suffering from a brain bleed, so THANKS GREY'S ANATOMY FOR MY WORRIED SELF DIAGNOSIS.

Luckily not.

Promise Yourself This

Rule #1 Never Be #2

Some people are in your life to test you... Until you stand up and say: enough is enough. I am worth more than you offer me.

I have come to realise in the last day or two that sometimes you just have to understand when it's time, when enough really is enough. Understanding that you're the second option is never nice but surely if people don't even bother to give you the chance to be the first choice then these people aren't worth it?
No matter how hard you try, sometimes you just can't offer people everything. People aren't always going to like you but that's ok because you will meet people that really do and you'll forget how it feels to be the second option. They will love you and it will make up for all of those times that people didn't. You'll understand why you should never settle for being somebody's go-to option when they have nobody else because everybody is worth more than that. You deserve to be loved and to be treated right. Wait for the people that laugh at your jokes and want to see you and miss you when you're not around. Wait for them because they are out there and if that day hasn't already come, well, it will soon. Don't worry, it will.

I have seven days left at uni before I leave this place and I'll tell you what, I'll be running out that door. I'll finally be saying goodbye to the people that don't treat me right and never have done, to the people that shouldn't even be worth my time because I'm not worth theirs, to those shallow minded people.

Instead, I'll be going back to people that do treat me right and do appreciate me and to the people that miss me when I'm away and to the people that put me first. It sounds shallow to say that I can't wait to get back to those crazies that put me first, because what everything has taught me is that you should never settle for people that would never settle for you.

Just know that you are loved and you are special.

Wanderlust

So I have this thing and it's called wanderlust. You might have heard of it.

I want to travel everywhere and see everything. I have a list of places that I want to go to and I hope that one day I will have seen them all. I'm starting this summer with the City of Light or Love (however you choose to describe it), Paris.

I want to drink up other cultures. I want to fall asleep to the sound of the sea and the sound of taxi cabs and wake up in the morning to sun streaming through the blinds and wake up in the middle of the night to see fragmented street lights through the blinds. I want to spend so long with my feet on sand that they feel strange in shoes and I want to see so much snow that it becomes the view outside of my window.
I'm going to travel and maybe I'll stay somewhere and never leave, or maybe I'll stay for a few days or months or years. I want to live abroad, that I know, but part of the excitement is not knowing where or for how long. There must be something really liberating about just packing your bags and going somewhere. I mean, that's one of the wonders of this world - that you can buy a plane ticket in an instant and go ANYWHERE.

There literally is a world of possibility out there and I don't want to miss any part of it.

This One's Down To Me Now

Knowing what you want is not something that comes easily to everybody. Although some people always know what they want, others don't and it takes a lot of thinking time and narrowing down your options to get to the root.
I, for example, never wanted to go to uni but then came across a course that got my attention and made me change my mind at the last minute. Fair enough, I then realised that that wasn't the right path for me and that's how I ended in the situation that I'm now in.
I got my current uni choice through clearing and soon discovered that again, something wasn't right with it. I have now secured a place at a different university for the next two years but now that I have, I'm not sure if that's what I want. I don't have the drive or passion for it like everybody does - I've come to a place where I don't know what I want and I'm not sure if uni even fits in that.

I started looking at uni's in the first place because that's what is expected of us now. It's just what people do. We're all expected to go whether we particularly want to or not but racking up a £40,000 debt isn't something that I believe should be taken lightly really.
I mean, I'm eventually going to get a mortgage on a house and buy a car and with uni debt's aswell, should I add to that when it's not really something that I want that much anymore.

I think I need to get inspired and make a mood board/life board like Meg Ryan does in 'The Women' because those boards always seem to end with a good outcome.
It seems to me that it's about focusing. Focusing on what I want. Not what everybody thinks or wants me to do, but what I really want because after all, it's me that is living my life and me that needs to be happy in it.

As somebody said to me a few days ago:
'Don't fucking worry about what everyone else wants you to do'

(Even with the swearing I still thinks it's a simple sentence of inspiration).

Eventually.....Maybe.

'Yeah I'll get over it eventually and maybe even really soon but that doesn't make it hurt any less right now.'

'I don't know what grey is. I never did.'