What are you now: flames or glowing embers?
Right now, at this particular moment, i'm glowing embers. I wish that I could be fiery, crackling flames all of the time but it always depends on the people that you surround yourself with. 3 days ago I was the fire. My flames rose so tall that they weren't backing down, simply because I was with the right people. But over the last three days those flames have slowly shortened so that i'm a little fire. I'm the glowing embers at the end of a fire when the occasional flame manages to escape.
It's strange to think that only three days ago I was the fire. But....... because i'm the embers, the fire has to start again and so it will in 14 days.
Wednesday, 19 March 2014
Friday, 7 March 2014
Black, Red and Green
Ok, so I've never been a jealous person before. Never in my life have I been a jealous person. But for the last six months I have been and I absolutely hate it. It's all been a new experience for me and I hate what jealousy does to me. It literally does turn me black, red and green. Black and red are associated with anger and red and green are associated with jealousy. The problem with jealousy is that I don't just become jealous but I get excessively angry too. It's reached its peach this week with H being in New York because it's not so much that she's in New York, but who she's there with.
I can't remember if I've told you before, but H is doing an art pre-foundation year in between A Levels and uni and through doing that, she's become friends with T. And T just forced her way in and invited herself to everything that me and H and our other friends do together - you know you have things that just you and your friends do and have always done? Well T decided that she'd like to get in on that didn't she. As you can tell, I have never liked her because it seems as if she's actively trying to take my friends (especially H) away from me. E also goes to college with T, and even she doesn't like her so at least I'm not the only one. I have tried to like T. Trust me when I say that. I'm pleased for H that she's got a new friend whilst I'm here at uni, but the fact that I wish it was me never goes away. After 7 months, I had finally started to almost quite like T and not have a problem with this whole thing and it didn't even really bother me anymore. Which for me and how it made me feel, was real progress. A 'let's celebrate this progress' progress.
But after seeing a constant stream of pictures from New York for the last five days, the black, red and green finally hit me today. It had been building up in me for the last five days and all it took was for one more thing to absolutely get me caught. It wasn't even jealousy anymore, it was anger instead. I think the anger is worse. But it wasn't just a slightly annoyed about it thing; it was shaking hands, hot streaming tears, ending in a heap on the floor and I even threw my phone across the room several times. In which it hit the door....several times.
I'm not proud of all of this. Honestly I'm not. I hate that I'm like this. But the thing that makes me feel even more guilty than I already do, is that H doesn't feel jealous about me and my new friends here and she's admitted that to me. I would feel a bit better if she felt jealous about me but she doesn't. People say that that's because she's so sure and certain of our friendship so she doesn't need to feel guilty about it. Whereas with me, it's not that I don't feel certain and secure about it because I completely trust her in our friendship, it's just T that I don't trust. She does everything so brutally and thoughtlessly that she could easily string H along with her ways and H wouldn't realise what was happening. (H is a bit oblivious to things sometimes).
*twenty minutes and one huge vent over*
Maybe some of you have experienced this and know how horrible it is to see it happen and if it's happening to you right now too....... Breathe. Maybe it's not as bad as it looks.
And when it comes to life, if in doubt, just breathe.
I can't remember if I've told you before, but H is doing an art pre-foundation year in between A Levels and uni and through doing that, she's become friends with T. And T just forced her way in and invited herself to everything that me and H and our other friends do together - you know you have things that just you and your friends do and have always done? Well T decided that she'd like to get in on that didn't she. As you can tell, I have never liked her because it seems as if she's actively trying to take my friends (especially H) away from me. E also goes to college with T, and even she doesn't like her so at least I'm not the only one. I have tried to like T. Trust me when I say that. I'm pleased for H that she's got a new friend whilst I'm here at uni, but the fact that I wish it was me never goes away. After 7 months, I had finally started to almost quite like T and not have a problem with this whole thing and it didn't even really bother me anymore. Which for me and how it made me feel, was real progress. A 'let's celebrate this progress' progress.
But after seeing a constant stream of pictures from New York for the last five days, the black, red and green finally hit me today. It had been building up in me for the last five days and all it took was for one more thing to absolutely get me caught. It wasn't even jealousy anymore, it was anger instead. I think the anger is worse. But it wasn't just a slightly annoyed about it thing; it was shaking hands, hot streaming tears, ending in a heap on the floor and I even threw my phone across the room several times. In which it hit the door....several times.
I'm not proud of all of this. Honestly I'm not. I hate that I'm like this. But the thing that makes me feel even more guilty than I already do, is that H doesn't feel jealous about me and my new friends here and she's admitted that to me. I would feel a bit better if she felt jealous about me but she doesn't. People say that that's because she's so sure and certain of our friendship so she doesn't need to feel guilty about it. Whereas with me, it's not that I don't feel certain and secure about it because I completely trust her in our friendship, it's just T that I don't trust. She does everything so brutally and thoughtlessly that she could easily string H along with her ways and H wouldn't realise what was happening. (H is a bit oblivious to things sometimes).
*twenty minutes and one huge vent over*
Maybe some of you have experienced this and know how horrible it is to see it happen and if it's happening to you right now too....... Breathe. Maybe it's not as bad as it looks.
And when it comes to life, if in doubt, just breathe.
Thursday, 6 March 2014
#WeAreWinter
I hope you all enjoyed the winter Olympics and that even if it's not your normal thing, that you watched it anyway because you only get that kind of winter action every 4 years!
Snowboarding is my thing and I was so excited about slopestyle being the new event of the games because I love the freedom and creativity of it - it's so awesome that it should come with its own soundtrack. I was supporting Jenny Jones (AKA 'The Jones') and Aimee Fuller and I thought that they both had a good chance of a podium, especially The Jones, I mean she's had 20 years of experience in slopestyle so to reckon that she has no chance would have been ridiculous. Most people that I spoke to about it didn't have Jenny figured on their radars, but I smugly knew that she would pull through. Oh yeah, my friend knows her. How awesome is that? So you can only imagine my excitement when she got a bronze - cue crazy fist pumping. Afterall, she's worked hard enough for it over the years and it would probably be her last chance to qualify for the Olympics considering that she's in her 30's, so she's practically ancient compared to all the 18 year olds out there. Sorry Jenny.
I was surprised about Aimee Fuller though. She's always been at the forefront of slopestyle too, so to see her crash out on her last run was reaaaaaaaaally disappointing.
Sarka Pancochova, a Czech rider, also had the gnarliest crash and split her helmet in TWO. I was cringing the whole time because she just bounced all the way down like a rag doll and was lucky not to have broken her neck, but then she just casually got up and finished the run. As you do. So always wear a lid kids!
The ice hockey was also something that I was really into. I've always wanted to try it and watching it just made me want to try it LIKE CRAZY. I'm not Canadian, but I have to say, I was backing Canada all the way. Their motto was for the games (and especially the hockey) was #WeAreWinter and it really caught on with everybody. The USA/Canada match was so tense it was unreal. I was going out that night and was watching it right until the last minute and left myself the shortest amount of time possible to get ready because it was SUCH A GOOD MATCH! I felt like an honorary Canadian for a couple of hours and I'm sure that if they knew that, they'd be so stoked about it and let me move there no questions asked. You can thank me later Canada.
The winter Paralympics start tomorrow, so I hope that's on your watch list too. Enjoy!
Snowboarding is my thing and I was so excited about slopestyle being the new event of the games because I love the freedom and creativity of it - it's so awesome that it should come with its own soundtrack. I was supporting Jenny Jones (AKA 'The Jones') and Aimee Fuller and I thought that they both had a good chance of a podium, especially The Jones, I mean she's had 20 years of experience in slopestyle so to reckon that she has no chance would have been ridiculous. Most people that I spoke to about it didn't have Jenny figured on their radars, but I smugly knew that she would pull through. Oh yeah, my friend knows her. How awesome is that? So you can only imagine my excitement when she got a bronze - cue crazy fist pumping. Afterall, she's worked hard enough for it over the years and it would probably be her last chance to qualify for the Olympics considering that she's in her 30's, so she's practically ancient compared to all the 18 year olds out there. Sorry Jenny.
I was surprised about Aimee Fuller though. She's always been at the forefront of slopestyle too, so to see her crash out on her last run was reaaaaaaaaally disappointing.
Sarka Pancochova, a Czech rider, also had the gnarliest crash and split her helmet in TWO. I was cringing the whole time because she just bounced all the way down like a rag doll and was lucky not to have broken her neck, but then she just casually got up and finished the run. As you do. So always wear a lid kids!
The ice hockey was also something that I was really into. I've always wanted to try it and watching it just made me want to try it LIKE CRAZY. I'm not Canadian, but I have to say, I was backing Canada all the way. Their motto was for the games (and especially the hockey) was #WeAreWinter and it really caught on with everybody. The USA/Canada match was so tense it was unreal. I was going out that night and was watching it right until the last minute and left myself the shortest amount of time possible to get ready because it was SUCH A GOOD MATCH! I felt like an honorary Canadian for a couple of hours and I'm sure that if they knew that, they'd be so stoked about it and let me move there no questions asked. You can thank me later Canada.
The winter Paralympics start tomorrow, so I hope that's on your watch list too. Enjoy!
This also unfortunately happened to Anna Gasser during one of her runs and it's such an awkward/embarrassing/ funny moment. Shame on you if you missed it.
Monday, 3 March 2014
On +5 Hours Time
Well H has flown to New York today. NEW YORK. So obviously I hate her. Her flight was delayed by 5 hours, so because of that and the 5 hours time difference, she'll get to New York at about 11pm but 6pm USA time and you don't really think about the time difference until something like that occurs to you.
I can't believe it though, she'll be in the City of Dreams whilst I'm going to lectures and doing work. Hhmm, that kinda sucks. It's about -5 and snowing there at the moment; as if New York isn't beautiful enough anyway. Can you imagine Times Square lit up at night with snow falling? Oh my, the beauty. I've never been to NY as you can probably guess from my innocent ideas about it, but I wonder if it really is as magical as it seems in films. I know that there's some really dodgy parts but I'm talking about the center of the city. Manhattan. Ah I've been trying not to think about it actually because then I just get way too jealous and wish I was there. Obviously I couldn't be more stoked for her that she is going to New York, it's just you never really want somebody to be livin' it up in America whilst you're in a tiny rainy town somewhere. Although she said she'll bring me presents back, so I like her a bit more because of that.
So let's all hope she doesn't have too much fun shall we?
'You say good morning when it's midnight' - this time difference is really gonna mess up my brain.
I can't believe it though, she'll be in the City of Dreams whilst I'm going to lectures and doing work. Hhmm, that kinda sucks. It's about -5 and snowing there at the moment; as if New York isn't beautiful enough anyway. Can you imagine Times Square lit up at night with snow falling? Oh my, the beauty. I've never been to NY as you can probably guess from my innocent ideas about it, but I wonder if it really is as magical as it seems in films. I know that there's some really dodgy parts but I'm talking about the center of the city. Manhattan. Ah I've been trying not to think about it actually because then I just get way too jealous and wish I was there. Obviously I couldn't be more stoked for her that she is going to New York, it's just you never really want somebody to be livin' it up in America whilst you're in a tiny rainy town somewhere. Although she said she'll bring me presents back, so I like her a bit more because of that.
So let's all hope she doesn't have too much fun shall we?
'You say good morning when it's midnight' - this time difference is really gonna mess up my brain.
Thursday, 20 February 2014
3:19am
It's 3:19am and I got in from L's half an hour ago and it was a great, wild night and I had so much fun and we were all very drunk and didn't care about anything, but now I'm here looking at my tear stained cheeks and bright red lipstick because that makes me look like I have it a bit more together than I actually do. But the girl in the mirror is different to the one that was dancing and the life of the party at 1am this morning.
It's weird that I'm like this now because I had a good day and thought the other phase had passed but the inevitability of the realisation that I'm still in a place that I don't want to be, with nobody here waiting for me was always going to kick back in again at some point.
But the only person that can get this weak, crying body up off the floor and stop it from happening again is not here and I always need that person in the soberest of times but right now, I needed them more. I needed them to tell me that everything is going to be ok and hold my hand and just smile at me. I needed some comfort and that person is my comfort and safety. I could be stuck out at sea with them and still feel safe. I was sober at this point, but why is it that after drinking and your brain gains its deep thinking power and emotions again, it always hits in the most painful way and slams you hardest against the wall?
Don't think for a minute that I'm always like this after alcohol, because I'm not. It's just on that very odd occasion that my head chooses to make it the forefront of everything and it ends with me on the floor flooded by darkness. A darkness that feels as if you can't escape it and one that might shroud you for a while. But it always fades. Eventually. Sometimes it just lasts the night, sometimes it lasts longer but it will leave you.
Here's to next year when I'll be doing the right thing for me and things will be a lot different.
It's weird that I'm like this now because I had a good day and thought the other phase had passed but the inevitability of the realisation that I'm still in a place that I don't want to be, with nobody here waiting for me was always going to kick back in again at some point.
But the only person that can get this weak, crying body up off the floor and stop it from happening again is not here and I always need that person in the soberest of times but right now, I needed them more. I needed them to tell me that everything is going to be ok and hold my hand and just smile at me. I needed some comfort and that person is my comfort and safety. I could be stuck out at sea with them and still feel safe. I was sober at this point, but why is it that after drinking and your brain gains its deep thinking power and emotions again, it always hits in the most painful way and slams you hardest against the wall?
Don't think for a minute that I'm always like this after alcohol, because I'm not. It's just on that very odd occasion that my head chooses to make it the forefront of everything and it ends with me on the floor flooded by darkness. A darkness that feels as if you can't escape it and one that might shroud you for a while. But it always fades. Eventually. Sometimes it just lasts the night, sometimes it lasts longer but it will leave you.
Here's to next year when I'll be doing the right thing for me and things will be a lot different.
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
12 Minutes of Summer
Here's a nice video for y'all. If you're craving a bit of sun, foamy waves, awesome surfing and great music then this is the video for you. Or if you're not, then watch it anyway because it's summer in 12 minutes and who's ever going to turn down 12 minutes of summer in February?
Saturday, 15 February 2014
Lost and Found
Well I hope you all had a lovely Valentine's Day, whether you were on your own or with somebody that you love, everybody deserves to be loved and I think it's great that we have a specific day to do something extra special.
Nearly two weeks ago now, H came and saw me at uni and we had a few days here, then we headed to go and see Taylor Swift and had two days in the city. We'd been counting down for so long and for it to actually have come around (so quickly) seemed weird and we both had a bit of an extra electric energy because of it. We stayed in a hotel too, and it felt like we were living the high life in our posh hotel room in the city hah.
When H was at uni with me, we did our usual of laying on the floor and talking and laughing for hours and hours at nothing and everything for two days. We went out on the Friday night and even just having her there next to me was the best feeling because I've been feeling so alone recently, but having somebody that makes me feel so comfortable was such a relief and I really needed it. Really needed it. Being surrounded by all the wrong people has recently made me feel like I've lost myself and I kept trying to search for it and get myself back again but it was only when H was here that I realised how much I really had lost myself. Before she got here, I didn't even recognise myself anymore, it's like I had turned into my own stranger and knowing that is such a horrible feeling. When you realise it, and everything you do seems to be no use, is just the worst. But I've just got to wait it out because I've come to the decision to not carry on at this uni anymore, so soon I'll be out of this strange void and somewhere else that I can be myself again. I won't be lost anymore.
It's H that found me again, like she did when I met her.
'I was lost but now I'm found'.
Taylor Swift was incredible by the way. She puts on the most extravagant shows and it's two hours of pure emotion, passion, drama and electricity. As she says, even her shows could be described as 'red'; simply from the mixture of every emotion possible that she pours into her performances.
I've been to one of her concerts before - I went to the Speak Now tour and seeing her perform Red was a nice follow up - so I knew just what kind of extravagance and magic I was letting myself in for. When the lights came on after the show, I got that weird instant feeling of post-concert withdrawal, I suppose you could call it and I thought, wow, for somebody to be able to do that to you is quite amazing.
The next day, we spent in the city doing our usual wandering to our usual places. We ended the awesome four days in our favourite Turkish coffee shop (sounds strange but they do THE BEST coffee) and it suddenly hit me that I would have to say goodbye to her again and go back to somewhere that I don't really want to be and return to the people that quite honestly don't care about the real me and don't even seem to like the real me. But being myself for four days was enough to get me through to the next time that I would see H, which was less than two weeks away. But it still didn't stop the tears as we said goodbye at the train station and I pushed my way through the ticket barrier only to be greeted by streaming hot tears down my face and shaking hands. It was as if my body was physically rejecting what was happening and her ten day absence had not registered at all. It never gets easier though, no matter how short the time is between our meetup's. Ten days is nothing, I thought, but still the effects of it were obvious and weren't going to stop.
Ten days later took us to two days ago. Again, we talked and laughed and were silly for two days and it was fantastic. I was free and myself and it was easy. It was so easy and soul warming that I didn't want her to leave. In the minutes before she had to go, I sat there and was so happy that I couldn't imagine being without that and her again, so much so that as we said goodbye and she got into her car, I couldn't even stand and wave her off because I could feel it again. I had to go because the inevitable wave of sadness rolled over me, so quickly and instantaneous again, that I managed to make it back to my room before it felt as if I was going to break. I knew after last time, that my flat 'mates' - they are the furthest thing from mates - would definitely not appreciate that. Some of you might sigh at The Saturdays song that I'm about to quote but they really do 'need to have a sit down with their egos' (And one time about a month ago we were sitting talking and one of them said 'you're not going to start crying are you because I don't know how to deal with that' and I thought God forbid I should actually be human and actually show some emotion'.)
I'm not going to see H for a month now, but my sister's coming to stay with me in two weeks and that's getting me through because it seems like I haven't seen her in ages! She's at uni somewhere else.
With H this time around, all I got was less than 48 hours, but 48 hours is always better than nothing, so I can just hold onto that until I see her again and then shortly after that we'll have the summer ahead of us! AKA the time of our lives I think.
So if you're ever feeling like I am, sometimes the only thing you can do until something better comes along is remember and hold onto the good things and fight to get those back again, because they will come back again, maybe only temporarily at first, but they will come back and you'll be glad that you fought to get them back again. Realise that things can only get better from here, and even if it feels like you're stuck, you might be but not always. Something will come along and you'll be proud of yourself that you had faith in better times and that even through the hardest times you still believed that something better would come along and you'll be rewarded. I'm not exactly sure what is destined for me next year, but all I know is that it will be better than this and if it's another uni somewhere else, then at least I won't have to feel like this anymore. The faith in better things is what is getting me through.
So come on, let's all keep that FAITH.
Nearly two weeks ago now, H came and saw me at uni and we had a few days here, then we headed to go and see Taylor Swift and had two days in the city. We'd been counting down for so long and for it to actually have come around (so quickly) seemed weird and we both had a bit of an extra electric energy because of it. We stayed in a hotel too, and it felt like we were living the high life in our posh hotel room in the city hah.
When H was at uni with me, we did our usual of laying on the floor and talking and laughing for hours and hours at nothing and everything for two days. We went out on the Friday night and even just having her there next to me was the best feeling because I've been feeling so alone recently, but having somebody that makes me feel so comfortable was such a relief and I really needed it. Really needed it. Being surrounded by all the wrong people has recently made me feel like I've lost myself and I kept trying to search for it and get myself back again but it was only when H was here that I realised how much I really had lost myself. Before she got here, I didn't even recognise myself anymore, it's like I had turned into my own stranger and knowing that is such a horrible feeling. When you realise it, and everything you do seems to be no use, is just the worst. But I've just got to wait it out because I've come to the decision to not carry on at this uni anymore, so soon I'll be out of this strange void and somewhere else that I can be myself again. I won't be lost anymore.
It's H that found me again, like she did when I met her.
'I was lost but now I'm found'.
Taylor Swift was incredible by the way. She puts on the most extravagant shows and it's two hours of pure emotion, passion, drama and electricity. As she says, even her shows could be described as 'red'; simply from the mixture of every emotion possible that she pours into her performances.
I've been to one of her concerts before - I went to the Speak Now tour and seeing her perform Red was a nice follow up - so I knew just what kind of extravagance and magic I was letting myself in for. When the lights came on after the show, I got that weird instant feeling of post-concert withdrawal, I suppose you could call it and I thought, wow, for somebody to be able to do that to you is quite amazing.
The next day, we spent in the city doing our usual wandering to our usual places. We ended the awesome four days in our favourite Turkish coffee shop (sounds strange but they do THE BEST coffee) and it suddenly hit me that I would have to say goodbye to her again and go back to somewhere that I don't really want to be and return to the people that quite honestly don't care about the real me and don't even seem to like the real me. But being myself for four days was enough to get me through to the next time that I would see H, which was less than two weeks away. But it still didn't stop the tears as we said goodbye at the train station and I pushed my way through the ticket barrier only to be greeted by streaming hot tears down my face and shaking hands. It was as if my body was physically rejecting what was happening and her ten day absence had not registered at all. It never gets easier though, no matter how short the time is between our meetup's. Ten days is nothing, I thought, but still the effects of it were obvious and weren't going to stop.
Ten days later took us to two days ago. Again, we talked and laughed and were silly for two days and it was fantastic. I was free and myself and it was easy. It was so easy and soul warming that I didn't want her to leave. In the minutes before she had to go, I sat there and was so happy that I couldn't imagine being without that and her again, so much so that as we said goodbye and she got into her car, I couldn't even stand and wave her off because I could feel it again. I had to go because the inevitable wave of sadness rolled over me, so quickly and instantaneous again, that I managed to make it back to my room before it felt as if I was going to break. I knew after last time, that my flat 'mates' - they are the furthest thing from mates - would definitely not appreciate that. Some of you might sigh at The Saturdays song that I'm about to quote but they really do 'need to have a sit down with their egos' (And one time about a month ago we were sitting talking and one of them said 'you're not going to start crying are you because I don't know how to deal with that' and I thought God forbid I should actually be human and actually show some emotion'.)
I'm not going to see H for a month now, but my sister's coming to stay with me in two weeks and that's getting me through because it seems like I haven't seen her in ages! She's at uni somewhere else.
With H this time around, all I got was less than 48 hours, but 48 hours is always better than nothing, so I can just hold onto that until I see her again and then shortly after that we'll have the summer ahead of us! AKA the time of our lives I think.
So if you're ever feeling like I am, sometimes the only thing you can do until something better comes along is remember and hold onto the good things and fight to get those back again, because they will come back again, maybe only temporarily at first, but they will come back and you'll be glad that you fought to get them back again. Realise that things can only get better from here, and even if it feels like you're stuck, you might be but not always. Something will come along and you'll be proud of yourself that you had faith in better times and that even through the hardest times you still believed that something better would come along and you'll be rewarded. I'm not exactly sure what is destined for me next year, but all I know is that it will be better than this and if it's another uni somewhere else, then at least I won't have to feel like this anymore. The faith in better things is what is getting me through.
So come on, let's all keep that FAITH.
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